What the WSJ Really Said About Madden

Jeff Bercovici and at least one person at the Wall Street Journal share my feelings about the prospect of hearing John Madden slobber his way through this weekend’s game. The Journal had one of those polite pieces hinting at why the Big Man should retire with some dignity before he gets any more like Pat Summerall, who’s trotted out for a yearly shamefest during Fox’s BCS coverage. (Before anyone jumps my shit, I think both of them were once stellar at their jobs. And Madden’s video games are not only spectacular games, they actually teach you the real-life rules of a very complicated sport.)

Bercovici does the world a service by translating the Journal article from journalismese into regular English.

A sample:

Futterman: “[A]s exalted as his position has become, and as beloved as he is, Mr. Madden has, at times this season, struggled with the facts.”

Translation: John Madden is an old person who forgets things and makes other things up.

One thought on “What the WSJ Really Said About Madden

  1. I think everyone is missing the point here. One word: animatronics. This isn’t the Good Ol’ Days, where we had to freeze Walt Disney to thaw him out in the future, when Disney finally owns everything. We have the technology. We can create a live motion Madden that can realistically perform certain motions, such as waving, or shoving a turkey leg into its mechanical mouth. For the second stage, which I have chosen to call Stage Two, we create software similar to that found in the Madden video games. Key game situations will result in an appropriate recorded response. For example, a particularly hard hit will result in a “Bam!” followed by one of several choices of phrase. “He didn’t see THAT one comin’!”

    I also propose we program three laws into the computerized brain.

    1. John Madden must not harm, or by inaction allow harm to come to a human being.
    2. John Madden must talk about Brett Favre whenever possible.
    3. Throwing a pass on third down to a receiver on the wrong side of the first down marker is stupid. John Madden must comment on this EVERY SINGLE TIME it happens in a game.

    Problem solved.

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