Valentine’s Day Advice for the Emotionally Needy

1. One word says it all: “Stalking.”

2. Send an extremely expensive bouquet, sign it “Secret Admirer” then ask repeatedly, “So, you get anything special today?”

3. Nothing proves the depth of your feelings like 1,500 word blog post declaring your love.

4. Girl of your dreams taken? Be sure to upstage her boyfriend’s gift. She’ll like the gesture; he’ll appreciate the lesson.

5. Chicks are powerless against real-life reenactments of the Say Anything boombox-in-the-rain scene.

6. Chocolate’s OK. But nothing changes a girl’s mind like a chocolate labrador puppy.

7. Write a poem using these words: infinity, destiny, boundless, abyss, eternity, consummation. Remember: Women are completely turned off by rhyming and humor.

8. Nothing says “I love you” like an intervention. (Because it’s obviously booze/drugs preventing her from seeing all that you have to offer.)

9. Not sure if she likes you? A diamond ring and surprise proposal works every time!

10. NEVER, EVER take my advice!

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