So I’m sitting there enjoying the new Star Trek movie the other night when I notice something is just, I don’t know, wrong. As a guy, there’s a quick fix for this feeling: I just need to readjust my package, so to speak. So I deploy the left hand to shift my junk over just a fraction of an inch and my index finger finds not the roughness of denim, but the touch, the feel of cotton.
There’s a hole in the crotch of my jeans. These jeans, made by Lucky Brand, are only five months old. And already a hole. Lucky Brand sucks! I must say that I feel like Lucky Brand owes me not only a new pair of jeans but a refund for the movie. It marred what would otherwise have been a perfect movie-going experience. Do you know how hard it is to see a movie at the Court Street UA 12 in Brooklyn without being disturbed by kids, talkers, cell phones, or families eating a five-course Chinese meal?
So Lucky Brand sucks and it’ll be back to Levi’s with me. While I’d never pay two hundred bucks for denim, I’m not averse to trying new brands. Indeed, my favorite pair of jeans ever was a pair of Girbaud’s back in high school. I wore those until they started falling apart and then cut the legs off to turn them into shorts that may or may not have been a little too short for anyone not named Daisy Duke. But I was young and I was tan and my legs were shapely and they were my favorite pair of jeans in the whole entire world, so I will not be judged by you!
I tried Lucky because there is a store two blocks from my apartment, they were having a big sale and the jeans seem to fit pretty good. I also liked the four-leaf clovers imprinted on the pockets and the feel that by breaking free of Levi’s I was escaping a fifteen-year rut.
But five months in, I find out that Lucky Brand sucks via a hole in my crotch.
My wife said, “Well, I don’t know if you’re supposed to dry them.” What? No, really, what the hell? I’m not necessarily a Wrangler kind of guy. I don’t insist that my jeans stand on their own when not being worn, or that they be able to fend for themselves in a knife fight, and I don’t really plan on using them to escape via high-tension wire anytime soon. Even my Levi’s developed annoying holes after a while. But they should be able to stand up to the horrifying ravages of the clothes dryer! And the crotch shouldn’t blow out after five months.
The fact of the matter is, I’m getting old. I only want a few things from a pair of fricking jeans: 1) I don’t have to spend six hours going through styles figuring out which one fits me best; 2) They don’t make me look anymore like a midget with a really swollen ass than I already do; 3) They don’t cry when I put them in the dryer; 4) They last longer than five damn months!
And if they cup my nether regions as a mother cups the cheek of her new born baby, that’s just a bonus.
So, because Lucky Brand sucks, I’m going back to Levi’s.