Chase Sucks

So back when I dropped sucktastic Chase for my banking in favor of the incredible USAA, I held on to one wankerific Chase credit card. Yesterday I received a notice from the slobber-boxes at Chase.

It said, in part:

After careful consideration, we have decided to close the above-noted account for the principal reason(s):
Past due history on one or more accounts
Total bankcard balances are too high compared to credit limits
One or more bankcard accounts not paid as agreed

Chase’s careful consideration probably boiled down to the fact that I hadn’t used the card in over a year and don’t carry a balance. Why, how are they going to make any money off of me?! Indeed, that’s what someone at regular customer service guessed at last night when I called in a huff. But she said she wasn’t qualified or able to explain the reasoning and I’d have to call the thieves (my word not hers) at the “Portfolio Lending” department.

Listen, I know the deal. I’m not making them any money. So cancel the card because of lack of activity. But don’t give me these bullshit reasons about me being a bad risk. I get my credit report every month. I’ve also been paying off all my credit cards every month. So I know the three reasons listed above are total crap.

And that’s what I told the guy on the phone. “These reasons are complete crap,” was my exact phrasing.

“Well, uh, you know we report on what the credit bureaus,” he started.

“Bullshit. I know what my credit report says and I know my score is well north of 700.”

“Well, uh, we can review your account and reopen it.”

Well, there’s the rub. I told him I didn’t want it reopened, just reviewed. He said, he couldn’t do that.

“So let me get this straight. My credit’s bad so you had to close the account. And the only option you’re giving me is to review my credit and then reopen it. But this isn’t a ploy to get me to start using the card again?”

“Uh, no.”

“So that’s my only option?”


“Okay, then review it and reopen it.”

“Well, while we were talking it I went ahead and reviewed it. Everything looks okay. So we’ll go ahead and review it.”

Now, instead of screaming “What the fuck do you mean you reviewed it while we were talking without my permission,” I kept my cool and said:

“I supposed I’d have to call some other department to see about closing this account for good.”

“No, I can do that,” he said.

“Do it.”

So good-bye and fuck off, Chase, you shady bastards. And if my credit number does take too much of a dip because of this activity, you’ll be hearing a lot more from me.

9 thoughts on “Chase Sucks

  1. You know where I come in with Chase, as I believe we just had that conversation a couple of weeks ago. They are lower than a snake’s dick. Three cards with them. They doubled the rates, and I complained. Then, six months later, they canceled one and lowered the limit on another (the two that were completely paid off…surprise surprise). I got the same exact reasoning that you did in my notice, and the same incompetence when I ranted at the customer service idiots. I should also point out that like you, I get my credit report from all three bureaus every month (no negatives), always pay on time, and frequently pay them off completely. I don’t really want to cancel them, as that could adversely affect the credit score, but now that I’ve stopped using them, I’m sure I’ll get cancellation notices soon for the other two.

  2. This crap makes me panicky. I mean, what are people supposed to do? Fortunately my credit is very good too and I want to keep it that way. But when Chase sent me a letter about the APR on my card going up to, like, 24% I asked my dad what to do (he’s in personal finance). The word from Larry is to keep the balances low, ideally zero, and use the card every once in a while and then pay it off.

    But I hate that those greedy asses have me over a barrel too. It ain’t right!

  3. funny, I got a card from them and never used it so they just closed mine due to “inactivity”. guess I should have charged something at some point in time rather than keeping it for emergencies (like when folks don’t take american express).

  4. Guess I wasn’t too far off–I just got a notice that my limit on the one remaining card was lowered. And speaking of limits, I’ve reached mine. Time to transfer or pay off the remaining balance and tell them to stick their cards up their collective ass.

  5. Is there someone I can write to? I was told that since my card was WAMU originally, Chase decided to close the account. No one offered to review and reopen my account.

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