So back when I dropped sucktastic Chase for my banking in favor of the incredible USAA, I held on to one wankerific Chase credit card. Yesterday I received a notice from the slobber-boxes at Chase.
It said, in part:
After careful consideration, we have decided to close the above-noted account for the principal reason(s):
Past due history on one or more accounts
Total bankcard balances are too high compared to credit limits
One or more bankcard accounts not paid as agreed
Chase’s careful consideration probably boiled down to the fact that I hadn’t used the card in over a year and don’t carry a balance. Why, how are they going to make any money off of me?! Indeed, that’s what someone at regular customer service guessed at last night when I called in a huff. But she said she wasn’t qualified or able to explain the reasoning and I’d have to call the thieves (my word not hers) at the “Portfolio Lending” department.
Listen, I know the deal. I’m not making them any money. So cancel the card because of lack of activity. But don’t give me these bullshit reasons about me being a bad risk. I get my credit report every month. I’ve also been paying off all my credit cards every month. So I know the three reasons listed above are total crap.
And that’s what I told the guy on the phone. “These reasons are complete crap,” was my exact phrasing.
“Well, uh, you know we report on what the credit bureaus,” he started.
“Bullshit. I know what my credit report says and I know my score is well north of 700.”
“Well, uh, we can review your account and reopen it.”
Well, there’s the rub. I told him I didn’t want it reopened, just reviewed. He said, he couldn’t do that.
“So let me get this straight. My credit’s bad so you had to close the account. And the only option you’re giving me is to review my credit and then reopen it. But this isn’t a ploy to get me to start using the card again?”
“So that’s my only option?”
“Okay, then review it and reopen it.”
“Well, while we were talking it I went ahead and reviewed it. Everything looks okay. So we’ll go ahead and review it.”
Now, instead of screaming “What the fuck do you mean you reviewed it while we were talking without my permission,” I kept my cool and said:
“I supposed I’d have to call some other department to see about closing this account for good.”
“No, I can do that,” he said.
So good-bye and fuck off, Chase, you shady bastards. And if my credit number does take too much of a dip because of this activity, you’ll be hearing a lot more from me.