Monday night, I was out with part of the Twitter Clan having a few drinks. My phone rang. Caller ID pegged it as mom. I’d just talked to her on Sunday and I was out with people, so I ignored the call.
Tuesday night, I was out with a former coworker having a few drinks. My phone rang. Caller ID pegged it as mom. Now, I’d just talked to her on Sunday, but she’s not the type to call three days in a row unless something is wrong. So I picked up the phone.
It was my stepdad.
“Well, hello, Kenny,” he said and I could tell by the sound of his voice he was immensely pleased about something.
He was. Turns out it was he who had called on Monday night. Wanted to pick my brain about the series finale of Lost. But I’d ignored the call. Right?
Not quite. Apparently, I answered the call, then put the phone down on the table at which we were sitting.
Then I proceeded to talk. My stepdad and my mom proceeded to listen.
God only knows at which point they listened in on. They seemed far too pleased with themselves to give me any details. Rather just let me twist in the wind, I guess.
I have a sneaking suspicion it may have been while I was bloviating about my views on dating. Something along the lines of–I’m trying to preserve the slightly inebriated nature of the thing–“Hey, look, I don’t date multiple people. You know? Right? Fuck that. I go into a first date and, hey, I hope she’s the one. [At this point someone else probably tries to make a point and I just start talking louder.] It’s stupid. Yeah. But whatever. Fuck it. So no, I don’t date around. But that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna have some one-night stands. Love me some one-night stands. Hell, I’ve slept with half my own friends. Shit.”
I guess it could have been worse. I could have been expounding about, I don’t know, oral sex while my mother listened.
I should point out, too, that the only other people who chimed in during whatever part of the conversation my stepdad and mom listened in on were women. So I’m sure in their minds, I was sitting there cursing about one-night stands with women.
Smooth!
There were guys there. They were either getting drinks or so busy rolling their eyes that they couldn’t speak.
Then again, I could have just been talking about the Lost finale.
Palm and Sprint, I’ve never ass-dialed someone in my life. And I don’t know what malfunctioned on the phone Monday night — yes, I’m blaming the phone — but yall owe me. Or my mom. Someone is owed!
KEN WHEATON 
This “malfunction” happens more often than not — I have a dear friend whose husband answered, talked to her, “hung up,” placed the phone in his pocket and then proceeded to bad-mouth her nagging nature to his buddies at the firehouse where he works = it was not a pleasant situation.
Sorry to hear you outed yourself with mom and dad…
I think they enjoyed it more than not. They’ve seen me drunk … they just haven’t seen me loudly mouthing off about things in front of a group of women. Probably would have listened all night if my mom hadn’t stopped him because he was wasting my minutes. Good thing they didn’t know I have unlimited minutes.
When your stepdad is drunk on Saturday night at the wedding, I’m sure I’ll get all the details about what he heard. I’ll fill you in.
Of course, now I am running over the conversation trying to figure out what you could have said that would result in so much pleasure on their end.
You’re right to think sleeping with friends is the culprit. I mean, not much scandal surrounding Coca Cola rugby shirts and Ralph Lauren polos.
If it were me, I would not be able to stop myself from feeding them more.
Too funny. I remember the conversation.
Here’s a good one for you: my best (gay) male college friend’s parents found my driver’s license in his bed during a visit one day. For parents who were in denial (he hadn’t officially come out yet), they were BEYOND pleased.
At the very least your parents are sure you’re straight.
Hilarious! A few months ago I pocket-dialed my (ultra-conservative) parents…luckily I was at lunch with a work contact, not with friends. They called back & left a message: “Michelle? You called us? It sounds like you’re on a job interview? Call us back.” Coulda been disastrous.
It could’ve been a lot worse. You could’ve been bitching about your mom calling and nagging when you’d just talked to her Sunday!