Live in New York City and still find yourself with a needle-shedding tree in your apartment? Can’t dispose of it the right way because you don’t have a fireplace in which to shove it and set it ablaze standing up? Too timid to chuck it out your window to see what happens? Don’t have enough fireworks to blow it up? Your pet beaver just doesn’t like the taste of pine?
You’re in luck. You can just drag it down to the sidewalk and stick with the garbage. It’ll sit there a week or two–who knows–but it’s perfectly legal and the city will dispose of it.
“But, Ken,” you say, “If I do that, I’m going to drag needles all over my apartment, up and down the stairs and, well, that’s a huge mess that I don’t feel like dealing with.”
Well, I’m here to help. You don’t have to be the Hansel and/or Gretel of the pine-scented world. With one little trick, you can have a no-muss, no-fuss Christmas tree disposal. Sure, you could find some big-ass garbage bag or something and throw it in there, but why? I’m not big environmentalist, but it’s a waste of plastic and you’d end up with a box of 50 that you’d either lose in a move or, well, die before getting a chance to use them all.
No, here’s what you do. Find yourself an old sheet that you don’t use anymore. Spread it out near your tree. Unhook your tree from the stand and lay it down on the sheet. Then softly, gently wrap it…
Wait? What?!??! You didn’t take the lights and decorations off? What are, you, a moron? Do I have to tell you everything? Christ. Ok. I’ll wait while you set the tree back in the stand and undecorate the damn thing.
Ok. Now, lay the tree on the sheet. Softly, gently wrap it up, sort of like a big pine burrito. Fold up the edges. There you have it.
Take it out, roll it into the sidewalk with the garbage. For extra fun, wait till late at night and look as suspicious as possible as doing this. Maybe sprinkle some lye on it just for effect.
(Fun fact: In Louisiana Christmas trees literally sleep with the fishes. They’re collected and chucked into water as either artificial reefs or in wetlands to try to reclaim marsh.)
KEN WHEATON 