Child Abuse Stopped by Power of Twitter

Child abuse was stamped out this year after a concerted effort to “raise awareness” on social-media platform Twitter.

Abusive parents everywhere commented, “You know, I just wasn’t aware of my behavior until those people twatted about it.”

“Twitter can do everything,” said Twitter users.

A internet user who uses only Facebook, however, pointed out that Twitter didn’t do as much as people are claiming. “Uh, hello. Our effort last year to post pictures from our favorite childhood cartoons totally cut child abuse by, like, 70%. So how much did they really have to do on Twitter? It’s like when I loosen up the jar and then my wife finishes opening it. And she’s all like ‘Ha! You suck!’ And then I have to teach her a lesson.”

After eradicating child abuse via Twitter, there are plans to cure AIDs with FourSquare check-ins.