10 Alternate Slogans for (Horrible) Bob’s Furniture

Here there be dragons

All I wanted was a recliner.

Now, some of the ex-suburbanites who dwell in New York are already laughing, because they’ve convinced themselves that a recliner is something to be scorned rather than a technological marvel that deserves a place in the annals of history right up there with the air conditioner and television. But you go right ahead and pretend you scoff at the recliner because of your impeccable taste in design rather than some deep-seated daddy issues that we’d rather not get into. I’d tell you to “enjoy” the discomfort of your Modern furniture, but you probably don’t notice what with the stick up your ass.

Where was I? Oh. I wanted a recliner. We now have plenty of room and the couch and ottoman thing has been killing my back. I wanted something cheap, functional and not completely ugly. Cara thought it was all quite cute until she sat in a recliner and I saw immediately we’d be fighting for whatever I purchased. So we got a loveseat with two recliners built in because, like Charles Manson said, if you’re gonna do it, do it witchy.

Okay. Maybe the double reclining loveseat borders on tacky, but my Mama raised me not to care what other people think. You do you. I’ll do me. Besides, the family that reclines together, stays together. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible.

But alas, our visions of lying back fully reclined while watching “My 600-Pound Life” until the day we could actually star in the show were not to be.

All Thanks to the horrible Bob’s Discount Furniture.

I’m not going to bore you with the details of the delivery con job. If you’ve ordered furniture in the Northeast, you can probably jump to the right conclusions without even trying. I would, however, like to give a shout out to the surly, passive-aggressive smartass on the phone who purposely flubbed my credit card number three times while trying to process the refund and then said I was the one repeating numbers.  Hey Bob — and Bain Capital — your delivery service AND your employees are shady and trifling, but I’m sure you knew that already. (It was 9:50 p.m. on Feb. 2; the store on Flatbush Ave in Brooklyn. If you want to check your phone records.)

It’s the one time I should have read and paid attention to Yelp reviews. And Consumer Affair reviews. And all the other reviews.

So how about I give you some alternate slogan’s for Bob’s Discount Furniture.

  1. You can pick out any couch you like, but it’ll never leave.
  2. Saturday delivery? What are you? Mr. Employed or something?
  3. Guaranteed delivery! (Within two days to two months of the date we actually promised, but not on the actual date.)
  4. Contract-schmontract.
  5. Over-promise. Never deliver.
  6. I’m Bob Kaufman. Don’t blame me, I’m just in the ads. (But what did you expect? I used to be a waterbed salesman for crying out loud.)
  7. It’s not incompetence. It’s out of stock!
  8. The 15 sales associates who work on commission sitting around in an empty store? Nothing to worry about.
  9. Whatever you do, don’t read our Yelp reviews.
  10. My Bobopedic mattress is perfect for getting screwed!

By the way, it seems Bob’s is coming to Chicago. Chicago, stay away from this place. Or, better yet, go to the store, eat all their free cookies and drink all the free coffee, tie up the sales people with stupid questions, then just leave.

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