Some totally common side effects of the flu vaccine

Some not uncommon side effects of the flu shot may include

• Getting sick 24 hours after getting the shot
• Saying “This fucking shot got me sick, which is why I never used to get it in the first place.”
• Saying “Besides, I’m not six or 75 so it’s not like I needed the damn thing in the first place. But everyone’s like ‘OMG. Y U NO GET FLU SHOT?!? U DUM OR SUMPIN. ANYWAY ITS FREE.'” And you like free things. So.
• Suddenly remembering there’s no such thing as a free lunch.
• Being told by your wife, “You can’t get sick from the flu shot.”
• Thinking, “Oh yeah, says who?” and hoping she’ll respond, “The government. That’s who.” And then you say, “Yeah, well the government says MSG allergies don’t exist and essential oils are a hoax. Also, the government is now run by Donald Trump. So who you gonna believe? Me or Donald Trump?”
• Not saying any of the above because she might slap you in the arm where you got the flu shot and that shit hurts and then she’ll call you a baby and remind you that she TOLD you to move the arm after getting the shot but did you listen? No you did not listen.
• Googling flu shot side effects.
• Clicking on the CDC website and being told the flu cannot give you the flu.
• Thinking, “Well they would say that wouldn’t they? They’re pumping it into everyone.”
• Thinking, “These are the same clowns who said they had Ebola so under control.”
• Thinking, “Oh, they use a dead virus do they? How does that even work? Couldn’t I just chew on a snotty flu tissue and immunize myself?”
• Thinking, “Maybe I’ll text my friend at the CDC and set some shit straight right now. Get to the bottom of all this.” But can practically HEAR the eye rolling.
• Thinking, “God. I’m starting to sound like those anti-vaxxer loons I make fun of on Facebook.”
• Reading the line on the CDC site: “Some studies have found a possible small association of injectable flu vaccine with Guillain-Barré syndrome (GBS).”
• Forgetting all about the flu.
• Feeling a slight numbness in the extremities.
• Thinking, “Holy shit. I’ve definitely got Guillain-Barre syndrome.”
• Thinking, “That’ll show them all.”