It’s not even Thanksgiving and I’ve already listened to days’ worth of Christmas songs courtesy of SiriusXM in the Subaru and the Alexa on the kitchen counter. And since there are only about 15 good Christmas songs, you end up listening to the same ones over and over again — which does something to the brain. So, below, thoughts that have flown through my addled mind while decorating (yes, the tree is already up) and cooking.
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Imagine all the people who sang this song in 2019. “Next year all our troubles will be out of sight,” my ass. (I also always want to end this song by singing “Have yourself a merry little Christmas cow.” Because I think a happy little Christmas cow would make a person happy.)
(There’s No Place Like) Home for the Holidays. I bet that dude from Tennessee is like “I just made a comment about wanting pie. And you wrote a whole song about it? Weirdo.” I do appreciate the sarcastic line about the traffic being terrific.
Do You Hear What I Hear. That little lamb: “A tail as big as a kite? Did you mean a tail as big as a kite’s tail? Also, what’s a kite?”
Last Christmas. The only version of this song that should ever be played is by Wham! All covers are inferior trash.
All I Want for Christmas Is You. The only version of this song that should ever be played by Mariah Carey. All covers are inferior trash.
A Few of My Favorite Things. This is not a Christmas song. What is it doing here? (Okay. Turns out it’s kinda-sorta been a Christmas song for decades.)
Hallelujah (original by Leonard Cohen, covered by everyone). Okay. This is DEFINITELY not a Christmas song. It’s a song about the Old Testament. It’s a song about sex. It’s a song about disappointment and regret and all sorts of other things. It’s NOT a Christmas song. And everyone involved with the cover by Pentatonix should be dragged out into the street and beaten with stockings full of rocks. And then set on fire.
I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm. You know what? This might not be a Christmas song, but it has the word December in it and you can put any Ella Fitzgerald performance on any playlist because she is a queen.
The Christmas Waltz. Boy does Frank Sinatra like to TELL you what and how he’s singing. “And this song of mine/In three-quarter time.” Okay nerd. Interesting back story. After “White Christmas” became a hit, Frank just HAD to have his own Christmas song.
Christmas in Hollis. This song doesn’t get nearly enough play on any of these stations. And yes it should be played on Hallmark and Holiday Traditions because it is a classic. Fight me.
Holly Jolly Christmas. If you listen to the Burl Ives version of this and don’t immediately think of the Rankin/Bass “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” holiday special, I pity your childhood.
The Christmas Song. Love this song. What a classic. But why that specific age range? Kids from one to ninety-two? I bet it’s just to make it rhyme with “Merry Christmas to you.”
Santa Stole My Lady. I thought for sure this song was one of those weird 1970s grooves. It’s about Santa stealing the dude’s old lady. That’s cold Santa. But it turns out it’s a 2010 song from Fitz and the Tantrums. Go figure.
Blue Christmas. The Elvis version of this song is the GOAT but I can’t hear this tune without thinking of the Porky Pig version.
I could probably do this for days and days. But I have other things to take care of. Maybe I’ll come back for more.
Also: Buy my latest book. It’ll make a great Christmas gift.
KEN WHEATON 