Did this dog-licking deer try to break in and murder me?

Friday afternoon while working from home, the Ring camera alerted me to motion out front.

It was the FedEx guy.

Five minutes later, more motion out front.

It was UPS.

I retrieved both packages. And not four minutes later, more motion out front. Figuring it was USPS, I made my way to the door and peeked out the side window before opening it. It was this guy.

He looked into the window. He licked the deck a bit. He seemed to be waiting for me to open the door. Then he walked down the deck to peek in the other windows.

Maybe he wanted our Christmas presents. Maybe he was hungry. Maybe he wanted to get in the house and slaughter us all. You never know with a deer.

He then walked back to the front door. I was sort of surprised he didn’t shout out “Candygram!”

Our front door has a little hatch in it. You know, in case we ever open a speakeasy and people have to give us a password to get in. I opened this and told the deer to go away. He simply moved closer to hear what I was saying.

Eventually he gave up and wandered off.

Or so I’d thought. Turns out he simply went around to the back of the house to check out the back door situation.

Sneaky bastard. He did leave eventually.

A neighbor told me he had to chase this guy off because the young buck was licking the dogs through the fence!

Oh. And the deer made the news for following people in the park down the hill. I think this person was being overly dramatic with the attack language. But more dog licking was involved!

I’m starting to think it was this guy from earlier this year who followed me around out in the yard.

That one seemed interested in dogs as well

Anyway. It’s cute and all. But don’t feed the deer.

Freaks of Nature

Note: So that news story about the feral pig getting drunk and fighting a cow? Anyway, I wrote this way back in 1997 or 1998, based on a post-card writing assignment given to me by Luis Alberto Urrea.

Me and Bobby had our annual meeting last night up by the south bank of the lake. It was a good night for a meeting. Oh, me and Bobby meet every night, just to shoot the shit and what not. But last night was the Official Meeting.


We both belong to the International Society of Freaks of Nature — ISOFON for short. And the local chapters meet at least once a year. We’re the only two freaks in the area and we’ve never met any of the other guys, but it’s nice to feel like part of something. I think that’s very important, to be part of something. I remember this scraggly yellow dog tried to join up once. Called himself O’Brien and the only thing freakish about him was his extraordinary use of foul language and his obsession with sex (from what I hear he couldn’t get it up). Well, me and Bobby decided not to let him join. Found out recently that he got shot while on the prowl. Kinda feel guilty about that. Wonder if it would have happened if we’da let him join.
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