Dear 60 Minutes, Please Hire Me

To Morley Safer and the Gang,
It’s come to my attention that national treasure Andy Rooney is retiring from your fine program. I understand that you’re all reeling from the shock and the pain, but I’d like to suggest a replacement — me — that could move right in to the slot with as little disruption as possible. After all, with a cast as old as yours sudden movements and drastic changes could lead to one or more of you going all Grandpa Simpson during a show and no one wants that.
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