Slumber Variations: An Analysis of Sleeping Postures Attempted After a 4 a.m. Trip to the Bathroom

Introducing Mrs. Sandman.
Introducing Mrs. Sandman.

1. No.
2. What? No.
3. Maybe this one will — No.
4. Really? No.
5. Nope.
6. Ain’t happening.
7. Let me just. No.
8. Wait… wait… wai… No.
9. If I just … Nope.
10. In the immortal words of Si Robertson: “Nnnnah.”

Notes:
1. Subject complained of heartburn AND heartbreak from spectacularly shitty barbecue from a Brooklyn restaurant.
2. Despite substantial amount of Bed Poodles, subject seemed unaffected by their presence.
3. Subject also complained of thirst, but too lazy to go get water.
4. Subject ultimately decided to sleep on his stomach like he does every other damn night.