Saturday night, I watched two movies, one you might consider skipping and the other you should never, ever, ever, watch. Ever.
One is called Teeth, and is about a young woman who is afflicted with vagina dentata. That’s right, she’s got some teeth all up in her junk. Angry teeth that bite, giving me a new image when I say the word “nubbin” (which I actually say quite a bit). Now, you’re probably thinking that as a dude, I had huge issues with this movie. I did not.
The biggest issue I had was that the director, in an effort of symbolic overkill which took me completely out of the moment showed thick black pollutiony smoke coming out of the cooling towers of a nuclear power plant. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE! (Neither do tooth-vaginas, but still.) The cooling towers of power plants emit steam, not smoke. But other than that, not a bad flick. The bad guys get it. And how.
The other movie? The Human Centipede. This is a movie in which a mad scientist kidnaps three tourists and creates a, well, human centipede? Think about this. How would a mad scientist do such a thing? Why, by sewing these people ass-to-mouth. This is something I don’t even watch in porn! I never came remotely close to watching “Two Girls and a Cup.” I swore up and down I would never watch this movie.
But some sad puppy-dog eyes from a pretty lady–and, yeah, a challenge to my manhood and a trade-off that she’d watch a couple episodes of Archer–and next thing you know, I’m watching a Japanese guy apologies to the woman stuck in the middle because he’s got to take a dump and it’s got nowhere to go but straight into her mouth. Don’t even get me started on the infection that sets into the face of the third part of the human centipede.
At any rate, if you don’t want to see that sort of thing, don’t watch this movie. Ever.