Hi! Are you tired of soft, supple skin worthy of a human. Would you rather have the sort of reptilian skin that would make a geriatric iguana puke with jealousy?
You’re in luck!
The NYC Radiator6000 is here to fulfill your needs. With the NYC Radiator6000 you can enjoy:
- Perfect parchment skin
- Bloody nose-pickings upon awakening
- Temperatures upwards of 95 degrees
- Dangerously dry Christmas trees
- Homemade beef jerky and dried fruits
The NYC Radiator6000 also sports the following features:
- Audible wall drips to lull you to sleep
- Teeth-rattling bangs/clangs to wake you up
- Our patented No Worry Control settings
That’s right, with our No Worry Control settings, you don’t have to worry, because you can’t control the heat. You have enough decisions in life, let your building super deal with the confusing array of settings on the main control panel (Off/Freezing and On/Hot as Hades). So even when you’re tempted to moisturize with lotion or humidifier, you’ll have to crack a window and let in cold dry air–even in 20-below weather–because when the NYC Radiator6000 is on, it’s on.
Based on state-of-the-art 19th century technology, the NYC Radiator6000 is the only choice for the sophisticated city dweller. Call now and those in prewar buildings may be eligible to receive our NYC Radiator6000SL. When you see how dry your skin is and watch the water evaporate from your glass despite a half gallon of steam leaking from the radiator per hour, you’ll wonder, “HOW DO THEY DO THAT?”
Act fast. Enter coupon code 666ASHY and receive a free bucket of Vaseline and/or a Humidifier.
KEN WHEATON 
Oh lord, how I miss those yankee heaters.
I already have two SL models – one in my living room and one in my bedroom. I love them! Nothing quite says ‘winter’ like the sound of the NYCRadiator6000SL. What I’d really enjoy, though, is a small model for my bathroom – as right now, I have an old NYCPipe2000, encrusted with 6 (yes, 6!) generations of paint.