They’re Called BABY Wipes

One day, in the last ten years, I was standing in someone’s bathroom, going about my business, when I noticed a tub of Baby Wipes on the back of the toilet. This struck me as odd as there were no babies in the house. If there were no babies in the house, what could they possibly be . . . using . . . the . . .

EWWWWWWWWWW.

What is wrong with people? What is wrong with me? Why such a strong reaction? For some reason, it struck me as unseemly, like a grown man drinking breast milk. I had the brief very irrational conviction that such behavior was a gateway to pedophilia.

I shook it off. Just a weird, very practical family. But soon enough, I saw Baby Wipes in adult bathrooms more and more. It was a trend. An unstoppable one. Indeed, it became so widespread that some companies dropped the Baby from the name or rolled out line extensions. It became perfectly acceptable for a childless adult to walk into a store and buy a tub of wet wipes then go home and wipe his ass with it!

Playtex, the maker of Wet Ones, is undoubtedly thrilled about the development. Indeed, I imagine that since the invention of Baby Wipes, Wet Ones and all of these things, there have been drawn-out fights in the marketing departments of these companies.

“There’s an untapped market out there! We need to tap that market! Tap it, I tell you!”

“We’ve been over this. We are not advertising these things for adult use. It’s just unseemly. And why do you keep saying tap? It’s making me uncomfortable.”

“Unseemly? Who cares about unseemly when we could move thousands of more units a month? Now you’re getting squishy?”

“What? My forefathers got doctors to give testimonials for cigarettes. I worked on BP’s Beyond Petroleum campaign. But there are lines! And why’d you have to use a word like squishy?”

Luckily for makers of Baby Wipes, Americans took it upon themselves to discover adult uses for the product. I don’t know which genius made the intellectual leap. Indeed, I’m not sure it was a genius. A man, most likely. He’s stuck at home with the baby one morning. After a night out with the boys, he’s hungover on beer and cheap tequila. He’s made repeated trips to the bathroom and is feeling a little, shall we say, chapped. While changing baby’s diaper, he grabs the Baby Wipes and a thought occurs to him. Maybe. Just maybe. Then he shakes his head clear, memories of that breast milk he tried flooding back, making him want to vomit in his mouth just a little. He doesn’t use the Wipes. Not that day. But the thought stays with him, won’t let him go until one day, he caves and, feeling a little ashamed, he makes his first wipe and . . . it was a transformational moment for such a man.

He keeps the secret to himself, until one night, prompted by booze and a Bud Light “Real American Genius” radio ad, he tells some friends. They turn on him, tell him he’s sick. But he knows how this is going to play out. Soon enough, the entire neighborhood is using Baby Wipes. Maybe not for every bathroom visit, but on many.

Soon enough, it’s so out in the open, these people are telling other people. “Let me tell you girl, you need to get you some Baby Wipes. It will change your life.”

All of which I find extremely strange, considering out country’s relationship with bathroom matters. Think about the Charmin bears, mocked and loathed in this country. I’ve heard people go on about how disgusting they are. But from where I’m shitting sitting, these are the only toilet paper ads in the country that make any kind of sense. They’re the only ones that acknowledge a) what toilet paper is used for and b) a product feature other than softness. Is toilet paper used for wiping your bum? Well, does a bear shit in the woods? (See? This ad is genius). And while no one necessarily wants to see bits of paper stuck to the bottom of a bear’s ass, men across the country recognize the problem. But what do we usually get in toilet paper ads? Babies, kids, puppies and promises about double-ply and softness.

But enough about the bears. The point remains that adults started using Baby Wipes and the ilk. It became so accepted, in fact, that producers of these technological marvels started marketing them toward adults. Don’t believe me?

Check out this from the Wet Ones site: “Why settle for dry toilet paper when you can get a fresher clean? Fresh ‘n Flush personal hygiene wipes are made with a unique, gentle cleansing formula that soothes as it cleans.”

That ain’t exactly directed at a mom thinking about her baby, now is it?

And this. “Large wipe for thorough cleansing, coverage and freshening.”

That’s right, not some weak little baby wipe. A large wipe–big enough to cover your big adult ass.

And all of this behavior is endorsed by Bill Nye the Science Guy.

What’s this world coming to? I mean, really, what next? Some company just dropping all pretense and selling a five-gallon bucket of All Purpose AssWipes?

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32 thoughts on “They’re Called BABY Wipes

  1. I personally have discovered, far too late into the process, that the roll of toilet paper that my 3 year old ruined by tossing it into the bathwater was the last roll in the house. The baby wipes on the back of the tank were a lot closer than the roll of paper towels in the kitchen. After that experience I’m thinking of getting a warming pad for them.

  2. I don’t know if this ruins everything or anything, but in my role as an ass-wiping Dad, I once dropped a Wet One on my filthy sneaker and whammo: new looking kicks. If you’re looking to get the most out of one supplementary wipee, go ass first, sneakers last. Unless you’re wiping your kid.

  3. What happened is people started getting colonoscopies, and they found that bathroom trip #17 after drinking the clean-out liquid was hella painful and the softest Charmin in the world felt like sandpaper.

    On the downside, flushing the wipes can lead to pipes clogging and backing up in some buildings, like mine.

  4. If you seriously spend more than .5 seconds of your life thinking about what the next man does with his ass….you just might need to get a friggin’ life.
    Like …now.

  5. “…it was a transformational moment for such a man.” You write that like it was a personal experience. I personally like the wipes. Especially the scented ones. Now I don’t go in the restroom with them or look for them before I “go”, but if they happen to be in reach they definely will get some use. I like to start out with the TP and then finish off with a wipe. It just feels so clean. My .02

  6. If american knew what the word ‘bidet’ meant, this wouldn’t be necessary. Only in america would people smear their shit around with a dry piece of paper and believe they’re clean.

  7. Dude, I’m usually with you on a lot of things, but you’re on your own on this one. First of all, I think the wet-dry napkin was around for a while before someone thought “hey, let’s use this on junior’s ass.” So babies weren’t even the original market anyway. Second, adults using them is no more a gateway to pedophilia than eating steak or wearing leather is a gateway to bestiality.

    And third, don’t think I don’t know whose bathroom you’re talking about. I’m never giving them up, do you hear me?! NEVER!

  8. If you stepped in dog shit, you wouldn’t use just a piece of toilet paper to get it off. You would grab a moistened paper towel. Otherwise little smears of shit would still be on your shoe.

    Your ass is the same. Shit smears, Ken. Baby wipes rock.

  9. I don’t understand. Are you upset that adults want to be clean(er) or that companies are making more money from adults wanting to be clean(er)? This is a valid rant? Seriously?! Please do us all a favor and go into your kitchen and look in the cupboard under the sink…grab the biggest bottle of liquid you can find and chug it down. We’ll wait.

  10. Max,
    Do yourself a favor and quit reading blogs. Or at least read around on a blog before asking ridiculous questions like “Is this a serious rant?” and then suggesting that a person go poison themselves. I’m assuming that’s what you meant, at any rate. If I were at literal minded as you seem to be, I’d end up chugging a bottle of Dawn dishwashing liquid as that’s the biggest bottle under my sink.
    I’d suggest you go jump in a lake, but you might take that literally and I wouldn’t want your subsequent drowning on my conscience.
    Good day, sir!

  11. Those are very important to a people who shower once a week.

    If your answer to cleaning up shit off your ass is to smear it around with a dry tissue, then yes, you should shower every day. More, if possible.

  12. Having existed well before the advent of baby wipes, I found that moistened toilet paper worked, and works just as well, especially for those of us that suffer from hirsutism. As for Wheaton, perhaps he’s blessed with a recessed sphincter.

  13. Helpful hint: do not flush actual baby wipes. They will clog your toilet, plumbing and cost you thousands. Do not ask me, ask my friends. Use the flushable kind. You know, the ones marketed at adults for flushing, not the ones intended to go in the trash with the diapers.

  14. Smearing it around with dry paper? Do you people know how to wipe your ass? I don’t have a problem with wipes but I don’t really use them, get perfectly clean the normal way. Y’all must be more into ass eating or something than I am.

  15. @trampus

    “the normal way”? Ok… do yourself a favor. When you’re done wiping the normal way, run your finger right past your anus and then give it a good sniff. Better yet, let your wife/sister/neighbor smell it. I’m willing to bet the normal way is not quite as effective as you believe it to be (brace yourself for humiliation).

  16. Why yes, I would be a bit embarrassed to ask someone else to sniff my finger after I’ve been rubbing my asshole. What’s with you people and thinking everyone wants to smell your assholes? If you don’t like the smell then kindly keep your nose out of my crack, please.

    Fucking weirdos.

  17. If you got shit on any part of your body besides your ass, would you just wipe it off with a piece of tissue and say “well, that takes care of that”?

  18. What’s wrong with an adult using baby wipes? After cleaning yourself like you normally do, the baby wipe simply picks up what the toilet paper didn’t. After a nice baby wiping I fell much fresher and cleaner.

  19. The one caveat about baby wiped is that they can lead to itching down there from the bacteria that grows in those moist packages. And also they cause an addiction to making sure that that area is absolutely “spotless”

  20. Baby wipes work great for an adult bum too! When I am not at home it seems like something is “missing” without them.

  21. Well, after discovering wet wipes. I’ve decided to never again be a mudbutt
    (Aka muddy butt) You do what you want to. As for me, I’ve already made my picket signs.Lol
    EWW EWW
    POO ON YOU
    USE WET WIPES

  22. I don’t understand why anybody would have such a violent reaction to an adult using Baby Wipes on their own butt? It makes much more sense to use a damp cloth to wipe your dirty butt than dry, puffy toilet paper that leaves pieces of it stuck to your butt hair. Now THAT’S unseemly.

    The Baby Wipes clean you so much better (and with less paper waste) than toilet paper. Bonus: No more skidmarks in your underwear! Honestly, more people need to get rid of the dry toilet paper and start using a family-sized box of Baby Wipes. Your bum and whoever gets close to it will thank you for it!

    Baby Wipes are a must until U.S. toilet manufacturers start including bidets in their toilets.

  23. Oh, Wheaton, I get it: you are an asshole that’s why you can fill a blog column with this drivel. what a dumb fuck. realize you are fucked. really, truly, hopelessly fucked and cursed with a useless waste of a life. fuck you. fuck this site.

  24. More like ew at any disgusting fuck that doesn’t use them. You’re probably some nasty smelly cunt that has shit hanging off his pozzed ass 24/7. Fucking ech, also you’re not a journalist or a writer, just an idiot with a soap box.

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