I Know What You Did: My Facebook Business Plan

I’ve stumbled upon a foolproof way to make money on Facebook.

You know how you’re cruising through your Facebook feed and there are a handful of folks going on about “kids these days,” and the “lack of respect,” and the laziness and the drugs. Or they’re spouting Bible quotes and friending Jesus as if they’re some sort of digital-realm street-corner preacher?

You know how more often than not, those people weren’t exactly angels back in the day? In fact, they were the exact opposite? Your high-school pot dealer is now a cop? The girl who had morals as loose as a meth addict’s teeth is now going on about the sanctity of marriage and the length of skirts?

Oh, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And hey, people change. I get it. But times are tough. A guy’s gotta make money. So here’s my extortion business plan.

Step 1. Find all such friends on Facebook.
Step 2. Figure out which ones have teenage children.
Step 3. Friend those teenage children on Facebook.

Now you have two choices. You could offer to sell information to those teenagers — information about what their parents did in high school or college. Maybe even photos. Or video. This was my original plan. But then it occurred to me: That’s not where the big money is. Teenagers don’t have a lot of cash. And what cash they do have is usually from their parents in the first place.

No, the action is with the parents. You go to them and say, “Hey, friend! Long time no talk! Love your status updates! Did you know I was friends with your kids on Facebook? Did you know I have a photo of you from that time you thought you were on Girls Gone Wild but it turns out it was just some redneck with a video camera at Flora-Bama? Would be awful if that were to fall into your kids hands? P.S. Here’s a link to my Paypal account.”

And since I’m not friends with everyone on Facebook, you can start your own franchise. We’ll all be rich!

Granted, there are some flaws with this plan. The first is that there may be some evidence out there that can be used against you. Maybe you were the one who got a DWI for driving a tractor into the Walmart. Or you were the one who had an inappropriate relationship with the math teacher. Then again, if you’re like me, you’ve always been a moral reprobate and never bothered to hide it from your children.

The second is — and I’m no lawyer — this could possibly be illegal. So fair warning and all.

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