kenwheaton

“I Don’t Care What They Think” and Other Lies Writers Tell

Posted on June 24, 2014 by kenwheaton in Books, Writing

There’s a moment that’s hard to describe, when you receive an email with a subject line that includes your name, the title of your next book and the words “Booklist Review.”

For my third novel, Sweet as Cane, Salty as Tears — which is being released next week — the thought process was a three-step one that went something like this.

1. “Hmmmmm. Booklist Review.”

2. “Sweet! Someone reviewed the thing!”

3. “Oh shit. Someone reviewed the thing.”

And then my finger just hung there over the phone. Do I open it? I’m at work. What if it’s bad? What if it shatters my fragile writer’s ego? Equally bad, what if it sends me into a panic the entire three weeks leading up to release?

Continue reading ““I Don’t Care What They Think” and Other Lies Writers Tell” →

Saturday May 31: Robicelli vs. Wheaton in a Literary-Cupcake Smackdown!

Posted on May 28, 2014 by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

Okay. That is not at all what is going on Saturday at the Bay Ridge branch of the Brooklyn Public Library. But it sounded like a good headline. (Also: Whatever it is, I’d lose.)

But Allison Robicelli, co-founder of Robicelli’s and co-author of Robicelli’s: A Love Story With Cupcakes, will be on a panel at the library on Saturday. And I will be on a panel as well. So please come out to Bay Ridge for the following event.

MEET THE WRITERS OF BAY RIDGE
Saturday, May 31, 1 p.m. to 3 p.m.
7223 Ridge Blvd. at 73rd St.
Brooklyn, NY 11209
718-748-5709

So come on out. There will be something for literary people, foodie people, history buffs, literary foodies who like history, Brooklyn people and fans of free air conditioning. A little more information.

Featuring ALLISON ROBICELLI of Robicelli’s, RAWIA BISHARA of Tanoreen Restaurant, ALLISON KAVE of Butter & Scotch, SARAH ZORN, author of Brooklyn Chef’s Table, Authors KEN WHEATON and CARA ALWILL, The L Magazine Culture Editor HENRY STEWART, and Harper-Collins Executive Editor KRISTEN PETTIT. Moderated by Folio Literary Management’s MELISSA SARVER WHITE. With special guests Louis Coluccio Jr. from A.L.C. ITALIAN GROCERY, Katarzyna Ploszaj of Petit Oven and a surprise guest from Leske’s Bakery.

Find out more here

And afterwards, stick around and check out the neighborhood. Perhaps go to the Lockyard for some excellent hot dogs and great beer. Or get yourself some cupcakes. Or just go for a walk in one of Brooklyn’s best neighborhoods. (And if you’re a Bay Ridger reading this, leave suggestions in the comments!)

Now, am I from Bay Ridge? No. I’m from Louisiana. Do I live in Bay Ridge? Technically, no. But it has a Popeyes, Robicelli’s, a Century 21 not crawling with tourists, The Lockyard and all sorts of other things that make me wish I did. And I jog TO Bay Ridge from time to time. At any rate, hopefully no one will ask me any deeply rooted historical questions about the neighborhood.

I Saw Something but Didn’t Say Something at the Brooklyn Half

Posted on May 18, 2014May 18, 2014 by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

Yesterday, while walking by the vast cattle pens that serve as security at New York Road Runners’ major races these days, I watched a guy simply hop through where two of the fences met. Anyone who knows me knows how I like to tweet and Facebook everything, especially if it involves an entitled, self-important twat — likely a cyclist from Manhattan, he just had the look — breaking the rules.

I didn’t. Because he wasn’t carrying anything other than his bad attitude. Also, I figured if I did, and someone at NYPD or NYRR saw the tweet, they’d shut the whole thing down — 25,000 people out of a race due to one douche.

But Runner McDouche hopping through the fence just goes to show how ludicrous these security measures are. It’s security theater — a lot of money and effort spent to make it appear people are safe, when in fact they’re no safer than before and in fact may be in more danger.

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Look! Up in the Sky! 70s Mom!

Posted on March 27, 2014 by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

"Is it almost night time yet? I want to come in the house." — “You done taking the picture? I gotta ride down to the ditch and play in it.”

A friend of mine sent me a link to this blog post yesterday: If 70s Moms Had Blogs. It’s the funniest thing I’ve read this week — and I’m reading the Autobiography of Mark Twain. Here’s a taste.

About an hour later Matt came back crying that Mrs. Johnson had spanked him because he was throwing rocks at cars.

“Good,” I told him, “I hope you learned your lesson. If I hear of you doing that again I’m going to bust your ass too, so you got lucky this time that you only got one whipping.” Then I sent him back outside while I continued to clean.

Little while later, here come the girls saying they’re hot because it’s 80 degrees and sunny. I gave them some more red Kool-Aid and told them if they were hot to stay in the shade and stop whining about it.

Read the whole thing. It’s funny. Unless you’re the humorless sort who sees something like this and feels a need to lecture everyone on the harmful effects of cigarette smoke, sun exposure and child-beating, as if you’re the only person in 2014 who realizes these things, like you’re alerting the rest of us to a scientific discovery. Maybe your own parents left you in a car too long with the windows rolled up as a child and it fried the humor right out of your head.

Continue reading “Look! Up in the Sky! 70s Mom!” →

Sleepy Hollow Half 2014

Posted on March 23, 2014 by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

I apologize if you’ve seen this on Daily Mile or Facebook already. Just spreading the love.

Sleepy Hollow Half Marathon. Official time 1:58:52.

No heads were lost during the running of this race. Though I did wish at times for a man on a black horse to come back and end the misery.

I’ll be honest. Was a little disappointed with this time. It’s over a minute slower than last year’s (1:57:07) and I figure I’m in much better shape this year. Definitely weigh less.

But I did stop to take a picture. And to use the bathroom in the first mile. And I ran a half marathon last weekend. And did a couple of decent workouts this week. And it was supposed to be a training run. So it’s all good.

And, hey, another 13 miles in the books.

It was a beautiful day for a run. Warm enough for shorts. And by warm enough I mean upper 30s, lower 40s. I did have gloves and hat. At those times, they felt like a little much, but never enough that I had to take them off.

Wish I would have had my heart-rate monitor on this one to see what the hills did to me. And even though the course was changed, the hills were just as bad. There was a good 350 feet of elevation gain between start and mile 5. And that little bastard of a trail hill — which I thought wasn’t on the course — they sneaked in there. Brooklyn Half will be easy compared to this.

This is NOT the hill at the last mile. But this is what it felt like.

1   9:52.9    <–Hills + lolly-gagging at the toilet and taking a picture.
2   8:36.6    <– Hills
3   9:12.0    <–Hills
4   9:11.2    <–Hills
5   8:57.0    <–Downhill stretch starts here
6   8:26.4
7   8:33.2
8   8:44.8
9   9:06.3    <–70 feet of elevation gain in less than a quarter mile.
10   9:21.9
11   9:09.3
12   9:17.6    <—There is a giant fucking hill right before mile 13. 65 feet or so in a quarter mile. Fuck you, end-of-race hill.
13   9:08.1

Not Half Bad: New York City Half Marathon

Posted on March 21, 2014 by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

Tomorrow I’m running the Sleepy Hollow Half Marathon, but I figured I’d slap up some deets (I’m modeling my speech off of Geico’s spokespig, Maxwell) about the New York City Half that I ran last Sunday.

This was my first time doing this race. And it’s almost a pity I ran it as a training run instead of hauling ass. Felt really good for this one–certainly better than the Manhattan Half earlier in the year. It helped that it wasn’t 19 degrees. Amazing what rested legs and a stomach full of carbs will do. (Oh, and some training.) I was tempted to start speeding right out of Central Park, and likely would have if I didn’t have the Sleepy Hollow tomorrow. (The end goal in all of this is to PR at Brooklyn Half in May.)

I was scheduled to do a long-distance progression run. So I tried to do that. The course lends itself to that, what with the Central Park hills giving way to downhill and flats for the entire second half of the race. I stopped in Times Square to take a few pics. And the Garmin acted up in a few places — and obviously didn’t work in the underground portion toward the end. Pretty sure the last two miles were both under 8. (But that 8th mile was slower than Garmin showed).

Anyway, negative split and it felt pretty damn easy. Probably could have pushed harder, but like I said, scared of Sleepy Hollow.

Was also my first time wearing the South Central Brooklyn Runners shirt. Heard a couple of smart-ass remarks from other runner’s clubs cheering sections, to the effect of “Whatever that is.” It’s a group with me in it, so it’s automatically better than yours, you little turds.

My perts…

1 9:02.4
2 8:50.6
3 9:03.6
4 8:54.9
5 8:48.8
6 8:48.7
7 9:33.2 <—Stopped to take pictures
8 8:13.8 <—Likely not that fast
9 8:26.8
10 8:32.1
11 8:13.8
12 7:56.0
13 9:26.5 <—WRONG

Play the Hot New CNN Game Show: Is It Preposterous to Think…

Posted on March 20, 2014 by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

Is it preposterous to think Flight 370 is in the old LIRR tunnel in downtown Brooklyn?

Could a black hole have taken down Malaysian Airlines Flight 370? Is it preposterous to think that?

This was a question posed on CNN last night. As you may know, when the network is not taking 90-second breaks for commercials or 30-second breaks for lighter fare such as possible World War being sparked in Crimea, it’s been providing nonstop breaking news coverage of the disappearance of Flight 370. This is harder than it looks, because there has been no news. So last night the gang discussed some of the crazier theories, including the possibility of a black hole.

Let’s not give CNN too hard a time. The reason they’re doing this is because it’s what the people want! The ratings tell them so. Fess up. When was the last time you watched CNN this much? But why let them have all the fun? You can play “Is it preposterous to think…” at home. I’ll get you started:

Is it preposterous to think that a great white shark jumped high into the sky and brought the plane down?

Is it preposterous to think that Cheryl Ladd is coming back from an overly polluted future to steal healthy humans for breeding stock? (We should ask Kris Kristofferson.)

Is it preposterous to think that it was langoliers?

Is it preposterous to think that Godzilla could have been responsible?

Is it preposterous to think that it was a kangaroo strike?

I’ve got more, but I don’t want to deprive you of all the fun. Go nuts. And remember, when it comes to cable news coverage, it might not be preposterous to think that flying monkeys took down an airplane, but it apparently it is preposterous to just think.

96 Miles and What Do You Get?

Posted on March 1, 2014March 1, 2014 by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

I’ve just completed a February running streak. For the uninitiated, a streak in this case is not running naked across a football field, but rather running at least a mile every day.

Days in February: 28
Days run in February: 28
Miles run in February: 96
Pounds lost in February: 0

That’s right. Average over 20 miles a week and lost no weight.

Now, I can pretend that it was muscle added. I was working out with weights twice a week.

But we all know the real culprits.

This:

And this:

That is called salchipapas, which sounds fancy and international, but your eyes are not deceiving you. That is a plate of French fries and fried wieners. And instead of ketchup, you dip it in green sauce–which is made of mayonnaise. We ate that twice in February.

I should also point out that I’m typing this on the R Train on my way to Bay Ridge. What’s in Bay Ridge? Robicelli’s. If you don’t live in New York, buy their book. If you do live in New York, get your ass to Bay Ridge. Why?

Because this:

My point is, at my age you have to run more than 20 miles a week to lose weight if you’re eating like this. Or you have to eat less. And drink less.
All of which I’m about to do. Lent is coming up and this former Catholic is giving up booze and sweets of all kinds and going on a slow-carb diet.
I’m also going to start training for the Brooklyn Half. Well, training seriously. I did a 13-miler last weekend with no problem. And I’ve got two halfs coming up this month–New York City and Sleepy Hollow. But I’m hoping to PR in Brooklyn, which means I need to get back to. 1:45. I can do it, but not while streaking.

The streaks are great for motivation and discipline, but throwing in speed work and long runs makes them hellacious. And my ankles and knees are crying out for a couple of rest days. Besides, streaks are a lot of “junk miles” when it comes to training for a race.

Streaks are also time consuming. Even if you’re only doing a couple miles you still need to find the time and get dressed and run and shower and all that.

And I’m in the middle of a new book that I’d like to finish writing by this summer. And I also have to make time for “Vanderpump Rules” and other quality TV.

So it’s either quit my job or quit streaking. And running doesn’t pay the rent.

That One Crazy on the Train

Posted on February 14, 2014 by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

If you’ve taken the 4 or 5 or 6 train out of Grand Central regularly over the last 10 years, you’ve run into her at some point. The short, mid-30s white woman who comes aboard and starts with the sob story about needing money for her and her children because:

Her husband the soldier died in Iraq.
Her husband the soldier died in Afghanistan.
Her husband the first-responder died in Sandy.
Their house burnt down and her husband died in the fire.

Last night, her story had changed to her ex-husband was abusive and she was trying to get herself and her two children (one of whom has to be old enough to vote by now) away from the bastard. She layered the story, too. She was also going to grad school. GRAD SCHOOL. (Hey, dream big!) For a masters in social work. (Okay, maybe not.) And her ex-husband had screwed up any chance she had at financial aid because he claimed her and the kids as dependents. (Great detail.)

This woman really grates on my nerves, but I’ve always kept my mouth shut because a) she’s obviously unwell and b) though she sounds sweet and helpless, she can switch gears in the blink of an eye.

The woman sitting across from me — who also has likely seen the same woman telling multiple stories over the years — muttered a few things under her breath. It wasn’t loud enough to set our story-teller off, but it did prompt this as story-teller left our car for the other:

“Yeah, you bitch? Well I hope my fucking ex-husband finds you and beats your ass. Hope he chokes you. That’ll show you.”

The Anal-Retentive, Narcissistic Pretty Boy

Posted on February 11, 2014 by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

After this morning’s workout, I get down to the locker room and see a guy putting his clothes on right next to my locker. At this point, he’s got shirt and pants on and takes a moment to walk to the closest mirror to observe himself putting on his belt.

So I head straight for the shower, figuring he’ll be done by the time I’ve toweled off.

No such luck. Ten minutes later — I took my time — he’s still dicking around at his locker. Puts his tie on, goes to the mirror, ties it, makes sure it’s just right. Puts his jacket on, goes to the mirror, makes sure it’s just right. Starts messing around in the locker, then pulls out a fucking pocket square. Folds that just so. Puts it in his pocket, goes to the mirror, makes sure it’s just right.

Look, I don’t mind the guy being there. He’s two doors down and now that I’m no longer 12, I’ve got no qualms about undressing and dressing in front of another dude. But now that I’m 40, I need that stool he’s bogarting. I’m old. I need to sit down to put on my socks and shoes. What’s he doing with the stool? He’s got an array of lotions lined up on it.

Then he puts his coat on, goes to the mirror, makes sure it’s just right. Mind you, it’s is 90 damn degrees and humid down there. And how far is he walking, anyway? Then he gets his scarf, does that just so, goes back to the mirror and, finally, he’s done.

Maybe he’s got a big meeting today. He’s definitely single. Because straight or gay, a married dude isn’t dicking around in the locker room that long to pretty himself up–especially when it’s 17 degrees out and you’re just going to be hustling from the gym to your office a few blocks away.