The 2012 Brooklyn Half Marathon

The corrals stand empty prior to the race
MILE ONE
I spent the first mile of the Brooklyn Half Marathon wanting to murder the organizers at New York Road Runners. (Do a social-media search of NYRR and you’ll see that’s been a common theme over the past year.) I’d had nightmares visualizing what it would be like to have 15,000 people trying to navigate the first couple of miles of the new and “improved” course. It would be a clusterfuck of GoogaMooga proportions. And in the first mile of the race, these visions were coming … well, actually it wasn’t as bad as I initially thought it was going to be. But I was trying to hit a PR and Mile One was going to make things difficult.

The fact of the matter is NYRR could only be faulted with two things in the execution.
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Mais! Lemme Talk to You About Cajun Cliches

Hanh? What you said?
Yall make a pass to da Housing Works Bookstore in New York City on June 5 if yall wanna listen at me talk about some Cajun Cliches and Louisiana Stereotypes.

It’s part of the Adult Education Series. The evening’s theme is “Unmasking Cliche.” I’m one of four people presenting mini lectures on various topics. And while I’m famous right here on this blog, the other three people are better known in the wider world.

We got Ruben Bolling, creator of Tom the Dancing Bug, talking about comic strips. And there’s Timothy Burke of Deadspin.com talking about motivational secrets. And also author Annia Ceizadlo, who will be talking about the secret history of Islamic wine (which sounds awesome)>

A brief description of what I’ll be hollering about.

Ken Wheaton: We Don’t All Ride Gators
New Orleans is not in Cajun country and not all Louisianans are Cajuns — despite what reality TV would have you believe. While all Louisianans talk and eat funny, they don’t all talk and eat funny the same. Wheaton explores the differences.

The event will be hosted by friend and New York native and New Orleans Saints fan (yeah, weird, I know), Charles Star.

If any of my Louisiana readers have suggestions for cliches and stereotypes to discuss, drop ’em in the comments.

Quote of the Week: Politics

Shalom Auslander writes:

I don’t particularly care about politics; if there’s one thing we can thank the internet for, it’s revealing how utterly stupid and ridiculous the whole game is: take any left-wing website, change all the adjectives and nouns to their closest opposites (smart to stupid, hero to socialist, Rethuglican to Demo-Rat) and you have yourself a right-wing site.

Bourbon-Brined Pork Chops

Last night decided to try grilling pork chops for the first time in my life. That sounds, wrong, doesn’t it? I’ve never grilled pork chops? Could that possibly be? Guess so.

Actual results may vary.

I turned to Steve Raichlen’s How to Grill: The Complete Illustrated Book of Barbecue Techniques. It’s the first grilling/barbecue book I ever bought, back in the day when I bought my first smoker. If you’re just starting out–even if you’ve been doing this awhile–I highly recommend it.

Basically, the recipe calls for 3 tablespoons salt, 3 tablespoons brown sugar dissolved in hot water. Then that mixed with 2 cups cold water and 3 tablespoons bourbon. After it cools down, chuck the chops into it (I put it all in a Ziploc bag) and let sit for a few hours. When ready to cook, take ’em out the fridge, let ’em hit room temperature and pat ’em dry.

Raichlen suggests indirect heat/smoke for the first 20 minutes, then grilling on high heat to get those pretty sear marks. I gave that a whirl. Put a box of wood chips in the gas grill, let it get hot, turned the burner off under the GrillGrates and put down a layer of foil, then the chops. Those GrillGrates hold a hell of a lot of heat and even without a direct flame under them radiate a lot of heat. The chops were done with the “smoking” portion of events in 15 minutes, so I yanked ’em, cranked the heat, then seared ’em four minutes aside directly on the GrillGrates (rotating 90 degrees at the 2 minute mark for the cross-hatching).

How’d they turn out? Excellent. Then again, I’m starting to suspect if you brined shoe leather it would come out good. If you’re dealing with dry meat like turkey, chicken breast or pork chops, USE A BRINE.

FYI, the onions? Slice an onion, skewer it, brush with olive oil and dust with your favorite seasoning (I use Tony’s) and just put on the grill until charred. That’s some good eating.

They’re All Going to Laugh at You

It’s happened to all of us. You’re out and about, minding your own business and you see or hear someone laughing. For a split second, you think, “That person is laughing at me.” Your mind whisks you back to high school, to a time when you were awkward and in need of validation and so overcome by insecurities that the only thing you were secure in was the knowledge that someone, somewhere was talking about you.

And then your adult self points out the foolishness of such thinking. And the ego. It would take a teenager –or a narcissist–to actually believe that someone was always talking about him, wouldn’t it?

But yesterday, I swear the woman on the bike, wearing sunglasses and standing on the corner of Union and Seventh Ave in Park Slope. I would have bet my life on it. I looked briefly. Then turned away. Then turned back. And yes, she was still laughing. In my general direction. From all the way across the street. “What the hell,” I thought. “She can’t actually be laughing at me.”

Then she said, “Oh my God. Look at Ken.”

Well, then.

Turns out it was my friend Maryann, who I hadn’t seen since last year. She WAS laughing. And pointing. And taking photos. This is what she was laughing at.
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Shady Shower Scene

Listen dude at the YMCA, you know what’s not cool? I walk into the shower and you’re already in there finishing up. You walk out, then come back in and start showering again. What the hell is up with that?

I guess I should explain to some of you women who are spoiled by your gyms with these separate shower stalls and privacy and what not. The men’s showers at the YMCA — or the ones in New York that I’ve been to — are basically you’re standard-issue prison showers. Shower heads poking out of the walls, hand-soap dispensers next to them and signs that say, “PLEASE NO SHAVING IN THE SHOWER.” Now, you’d think that in a civilized country, such a sign would be unnecessary. But you know who didn’t pay heed to that sign? The old fart in there two weeks ago with a razor and a pair of scissors TRIMMING HIS NUT SACK!

Now, maybe a good citizen would have told him something, but me? If I’m standing naked with no shoes on, I’m not saying shit to a man with scissors and a razor. You never know what could happen. Especially an old man like that. He could corner you and tell you sad stories about his life for the next hour (which is the biggest risk at the Vanderbilt YMCA in Manhattan).

For what it’s worth, the standard-issue prison shower is preferable to the showers in the men’s locker room at Tiger Schulmann Mixed Martial Arts in Manhattan. Not only do you not have stalls, but the shower heads branch out from poles in the middle of the room so that you have to face each other when showering. (That is, back in the day, when the showers actually worked. I tried to go back to my karate days in December and it seemed there was one functioning shower head — and that was the subject of a water rights dispute between the local roach population and a mold colony.)

Anyway, carry on. And behave yourselves in the shower.

Running Toe

After a fine Italian dinner and a Salty Pimp from Big Gay Ice Cream, I returned home last night, sterilized a safety pin and jabbed it under the middle toe of my left foot, unleashing a little flood of toe juice. Blood and water. Nothing to barf over.

It seems I’ve a bit of a case of runner’s toe. Unlike most other runners who write about it, I’m not going to post a photo of my gnarly feet. The fact is, the two toes so afflicted don’t look that bad. Other runners’ toenails turn dark black and fall off. My turned a light shade of purple.
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Barbecue Trials: No. 1

After receiving a charcoal basket and two new digital thermometers, I’d finally reached the breaking point. I’d intended to wait until the convection plate I’d ordered arrived, but I couldn’t take it any longer. Yesterday, I fired up the smoker.

Initially, I’d planned to just throw charcoal and chips into the fire box and get a feel for how the basket affected things, learn the heat zones and heat differentials. While in the grocery store yesterday morning, I told myself if I could find a cheap, trimmed brisket, I’d toss that on, as I also wanted to experiment with temps higher than 250 and try out the so-called Texas Crutch. But no luck on the brisket. So I picked up a 5.6 pound piece of pork shoulder.
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Barbecue in Park Slope: Fort Reno

I’ve been driving myself crazy lately by ordering bits and pieces to modify my smoker while I wait for the weather to warm up. And also by going to barbecue websites to pick up tips and secrets for better barbecue, particularly brisket. Last year’s first attempts at brisket went better than expected, but I’m still not getting it to the point where it comes thisclose to falling apart. It seems my problem may have been not letting it rest. I’m also getting suspicious of the whole low-and-slow thing. Whereas most cue bibles will tell you to keep it under 275, seems the good folks down in Lockhart stay well above 300 and achieve superior flavor in a shorter amount of time. We shall find out.

But in the meantime, I’ve been wanting to eat barbecue. Plenty of options in Manhattan, with Hill Country leading the pack. Then last week, I learned (from TNT buddy Rachel) of Fort Reno here in Park Slope, a five-minute walk from my house.

I’ll admit that a number of things about Rachel’s review had me skeptical going in, namely her mention of hipsters, handle-bar mustaches and that photo of sauce-slathered ribs she posted. Anyone who knows me knows I’m anti-hipster and pretty damn anti-sauce.

But we would have to see for ourselves, so last night Cara and I went.

Fort Reno IS small. And if it were a waiter-service place I might have turned right around and walked out. Can’t stand tiny restaurants. But it’s a counter-service joint, which moves things along quickly (and possibly chases off some folks who aren’t accustomed to such a scene). The tables were full, so we grabbed a couple seats at the bar, which was being manned by, yes, a guy with a handle-bar mustache.

Drinks are ordered from the bar tender, food from a separate counter. We went with brisket, pulled pork, ribs and a handful of sides.

Fort Reno isn’t necessarily going to please hardcore barbecue enthusiasts. The restaurants website mentioned that the meat is “smoked and braised”–and that braising is definitely in evidence with the pulled pork and the brisket, the latter of which was so tender, it was verging on pot roast. That’s not to say they weren’t delicious. Both items were.

And I turned out liking the ribs the best. Yes, they’d been sauced, but it was just the right amount. (If anyone remembers Biscuit, formerly of Flatbush Ave. and then of the cursed spot on Fifth Ave., those guys drowned their ribs in sauce). The ribs at Fort Reno were also done the right way: They had just the right amount of pull. (Barbecue nerd note: According to Kansas City Barbecue Society standards, ribs are NOT supposed to fall off the bone.)

The thing was, the sauce was necessary as most of the meat came up short in the smoked department. Perhaps it’s the result of using electric smokers in such a small place and not wanting to choke everyone to death. Or perhaps the folks running the show know their audience and that audience might not like heavy smoke flavors.

Again, this is basically picking a nit. The meats were well seasoned and well cooked, as were the sides (mac n’ cheese, baked beans and cornbread). There certainly wasn’t much left after we were done with the plate.

Now about that handle-bar mustachioed gent behind the bar. His name was Dan and he was a hell of a nice guy. And I’m not just saying that because he got us pretty hammered on a fine collection of cocktails.

If you like a good cocktail, I can’t recommend this place enough. I’m no expert on mixed drinks, but I’d put Dan up against Clover Club and Prime Meats (which is high praise from me). I’m not going to write 500 words noting hints of that balanced against note of this because I don’t know what I’m talking about. I just know what I like, and all of the cocktails we tried at Fort Reno (and we went through half the menu I think), I liked.

Bonus points for the place having a neighborhood feel. At only three-months old, a number of regulars were stopping by for take-out orders or to chat with Dan–and with us. It’s a friendly place.

Will we be going back? Hell to the yes. This despite my own backyard smoker and the eventual opening of a Dinosaur Barbecue in Park Slope. The food was delicious, the cocktails excellent and the atmosphere welcoming.

Should you go? Most definitely.