Author: kenwheaton

Movies Worth Skipping

Posted on by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

Saturday night, I watched two movies, one you might consider skipping and the other you should never, ever, ever, watch. Ever.

One is called Teeth, and is about a young woman who is afflicted with vagina dentata. That’s right, she’s got some teeth all up in her junk. Angry teeth that bite, giving me a new image when I say the word “nubbin” (which I actually say quite a bit). Now, you’re probably thinking that as a dude, I had huge issues with this movie. I did not.

The biggest issue I had was that the director, in an effort of symbolic overkill which took me completely out of the moment showed thick black pollutiony smoke coming out of the cooling towers of a nuclear power plant. THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE! (Neither do tooth-vaginas, but still.) The cooling towers of power plants emit steam, not smoke. But other than that, not a bad flick. The bad guys get it. And how.

The other movie? The Human Centipede. This is a movie in which a mad scientist kidnaps three tourists and creates a, well, human centipede? Think about this. How would a mad scientist do such a thing? Why, by sewing these people ass-to-mouth. This is something I don’t even watch in porn! I never came remotely close to watching “Two Girls and a Cup.” I swore up and down I would never watch this movie.

But some sad puppy-dog eyes from a pretty lady–and, yeah, a challenge to my manhood and a trade-off that she’d watch a couple episodes of Archer–and next thing you know, I’m watching a Japanese guy apologies to the woman stuck in the middle because he’s got to take a dump and it’s got nowhere to go but straight into her mouth. Don’t even get me started on the infection that sets into the face of the third part of the human centipede.

At any rate, if you don’t want to see that sort of thing, don’t watch this movie. Ever.

Claire Richard, 1913-2010

Posted on by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

Claire Richard, aka Ma-Maw, aka my stedpdad’s mom, passed away this week. At 97, it’s customary to say someone lived a long, full life. I had no idea how full a life she lived. I only ever knew her as a retired school teacher living in Opelousas, Louisiana, so imagine my surprise when I read her obituary.

She earned her B.A. Degree at S. L. I. now U. L. L. majoring in French and English literature with a minor in Biological Sciences and P.E. While an undergrad, she received several awards from the French Consular in New Orleans. She earned a Graduate Degree in Social Work at L. S. U. She also did post graduate studies at Columbia University in New York and McGill University in Montreal, Canada. She taught French and English in St. Martin Parish for a number of years before accepting a position at St. Helen’s Hall in Portland, Oregon where she taught French in High School and Jr. College until World War II at which time, she accepted an appointment with the Justice Department, F. B. I. division in Washington, D. C. working as a translator deciphering coded messages from French into English. Mrs. Richard later joined the National American Red Cross as a social worker and director, aiding military families and German prisoners of war.

Wow. Rest in peace, Ma-Maw.

Disjointed Thoughts After a Funeral

Posted on by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

Standing in the kitchen about an hour after Aunt Debbie was laid to rest, transitioning from gumbo to jambalaya by eating a piece of Popeyes fried chicken, my cousin Marcie said to me, “Look at you. You’re probably writing right now, huh? Bet you can get two or three books out of this?”

I thought about joking that the dazed look on my face was simply from working my 5,000th calorie of the day in before noon. But I resisted. Truth was, my mind was close to redlining–there was a lot to take in–while also feeling slightly guilty about taking it all in.

Continue reading “Disjointed Thoughts After a Funeral” →

I Voted. So What? Who Cares?

Posted on by kenwheaton in politics

This morning, I voted. Are you proud of me? Would you like to give me a sticker, kiss me, buy me a beer, buy my book?

Before you get too excited, let me tell you why I voted. I voted because, when I showed up at the polling place, it wasn’t wholesale chaos. I voted because there wasn’t a line. I voted because this year, at this particular time, at this particular polling place, the poll workers weren’t being the incompetent, disenfranchising, Democratic party hacks I’ve come to expect from certain districts in Brooklyn.

Stop right there. Don’t lecture me about these patriotic volunteers doing their civic duty. In New York, they’re paid to be there. In fact, they’re paid even more if they bother to get trained. (Yeah, training, last I checked, was optional.)

Obviously, I’m a horrible citizen because I even considered not voting. Then again, I live in one of those districts in New York that go Democrat, oh, 110% of the time. Indeed, I’d bet if NO ONE showed up at the polls, the Democrats would still do pretty good. Yes, I know there are precincts in other states that are just as reliably Republican. I’m sure there are districts in, say, Texas where a vote for a Democrat is akin to french-kissing Satan. This is the state of our nation.

So why do I vote? I guess mostly so that I retain the right to bitch about the outcomes for the next two to four years. If you don’t vote, you resign that right. How did I vote? It doesn’t matter. Andrew Cuomo sounds like Al Pacino and Carl Paladino is running because he’s sad about his dead son. Cuomo is the sort of political hack who thinks he is owed elective office and Paladino is batshit insane. Oh, and Cuomo was going to win big anyway. As far as the issue of term limits? Why does it matter what we vote on that when King Mike and his minions can simply overturn the will of the people when it suits them?

If I’d had my wits about me, I would have written in candidates for every office, but I was drawing blanks.

But yeah, I voted. Perhaps you should vote, too. Perhaps you shouldn’t. If you don’t know who the candidates are, if you don’t know what the issues are, if you have to ask someone else how to vote? Stay home. I don’t know where we got this idea that everyone needs to vote — even people who haven’t been paying attention or know the first thing about government. That’s not to say you can’t figure out the basics in the next few hours and then get to the polling place. But if you don’t know, don’t go.

You don’t need an “I Voted” sticker that bad and you can just lie to Facebook if you want a virtual button.

All You Need to Know About Caprica Fans

Posted on by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

As a huge Battlestar Galactica fan, I really wanted to like Caprica. But I couldn’t. The show started off weak and gained a little steam by the end of the first season. And then this season is started off really, really weak and gained a little steam before SyFy just canceled it. It was a shoddy mismash of soapy elements, muddled religious and sociopolitical themes, entirely too many flashbacks, a cloying score, ham-fisted dialogue and questionable directing. It was as if, hearing that Battlestar Galactica was smart social commentary, the people responsible said, “Hey, let’s do more social commentary.” But folks, social commentary works best in cartoons and space operas because the viewers get sucked up in the action or the silliness. Here we were literally being preached at on a weekly basis.

Now Caprica fans — all 116 of ’em — plan to mount a “Jericho”-style attempt to get SyFy to change its mind. Fans of Jericho got CBS to extend the season by mailing execs thousands of packages of peanuts. Caprica fans? They’re gonna mail apples.

I’m sure the U.S. Postal Service and SyFy execs will appreciate the effort. Because we all know how well apples ship. I swear, though, if Caprica fans piss of SyFy execs so much they kill the other Battlestar Galactica prequel, I’m gonna beat some heads.

I Walk Up to Death and Hug It

Posted on by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

UPS is raining death from above, rolling terror in the streets (according to hysterical media reports based on nothing). But you know what? I love logistics, so I’m not going to let fear of dying stop me from walking near a big brown truck. Mind, you this building contains UN diplomatic offices and I’ve seen the undercarriage of car being searched for bombs with those outsized dental-mirror-looking things. You can see how concerned everyone was by this. And by the FecEx truck three spots down. (Full disclosure: What can Brown do for me? Make me cross the street to take this picture. Just in case.)

This is not the toner cartridge you're looking for
A non-explosive UPS Truck on 44th between Third and Lex.