It’s election season: Let’s play ask a politician!

As a recovering journalist, I know that working journalists love nothing more than other people telling them how to do their jobs, especially folks who never covered that particular beat. I was never a political reporter, so maybe I shouldn’t be writing this. After all, I don’t have the level of expertise it takes to pitch tons of soft-ball questions to continue my access to a politician and the occasional hard ball designed to make me look cool in front of the other reporters. Or something something something Russia.

The thing is, politicians pretend to be public servants but rarely act like either a servant or a member of the public. There is also a certain breed running around screaming about elitists–and then jumping in a limo or first-class to make their next meeting. So I’ve come up with a list of questions all politicians should be asked. I’ll be honest, I first came up with these because of Donald Trump. And this list is a hell of a lot more fun if you imagine Trump successfully answering ANY of them. But the questions should work for any politician of either party–particularly incumbents.

Continue reading “It’s election season: Let’s play ask a politician!”

Donald Trump is the father of us all

“Who ya gonna believe? Me or your own lying ears?” Photo by Gage Skidmore

So Donald Trump is now suggesting that actual audio tape of him talking about grabbing women by the cooter could be fake. This even after he previously admitted that it was his voice on the tape and that he did, indeed, say those things.

Sure, previous Liar in Chief Bill Clinton tried to weasel himself out of a corner by arguing over the legal definition of “is.” (And I wouldn’t put much past either of the Clintons when backed into a corner. Those two are like badgers.) Those were different times, though. Hell, we didn’t know that we were supposed to believe all women, all the time. Apparently, Hillary didn’t either. She especially didn’t believe the ones who accused Bill of nonconsensual attacks and rape.

But in this case there is actual audio proof AND a confession from the man himself.

Continue reading “Donald Trump is the father of us all”

I Voted. So What? Who Cares?

This morning, I voted. Are you proud of me? Would you like to give me a sticker, kiss me, buy me a beer, buy my book?

Before you get too excited, let me tell you why I voted. I voted because, when I showed up at the polling place, it wasn’t wholesale chaos. I voted because there wasn’t a line. I voted because this year, at this particular time, at this particular polling place, the poll workers weren’t being the incompetent, disenfranchising, Democratic party hacks I’ve come to expect from certain districts in Brooklyn.

Stop right there. Don’t lecture me about these patriotic volunteers doing their civic duty. In New York, they’re paid to be there. In fact, they’re paid even more if they bother to get trained. (Yeah, training, last I checked, was optional.)

Obviously, I’m a horrible citizen because I even considered not voting. Then again, I live in one of those districts in New York that go Democrat, oh, 110% of the time. Indeed, I’d bet if NO ONE showed up at the polls, the Democrats would still do pretty good. Yes, I know there are precincts in other states that are just as reliably Republican. I’m sure there are districts in, say, Texas where a vote for a Democrat is akin to french-kissing Satan. This is the state of our nation.

So why do I vote? I guess mostly so that I retain the right to bitch about the outcomes for the next two to four years. If you don’t vote, you resign that right. How did I vote? It doesn’t matter. Andrew Cuomo sounds like Al Pacino and Carl Paladino is running because he’s sad about his dead son. Cuomo is the sort of political hack who thinks he is owed elective office and Paladino is batshit insane. Oh, and Cuomo was going to win big anyway. As far as the issue of term limits? Why does it matter what we vote on that when King Mike and his minions can simply overturn the will of the people when it suits them?

If I’d had my wits about me, I would have written in candidates for every office, but I was drawing blanks.

But yeah, I voted. Perhaps you should vote, too. Perhaps you shouldn’t. If you don’t know who the candidates are, if you don’t know what the issues are, if you have to ask someone else how to vote? Stay home. I don’t know where we got this idea that everyone needs to vote — even people who haven’t been paying attention or know the first thing about government. That’s not to say you can’t figure out the basics in the next few hours and then get to the polling place. But if you don’t know, don’t go.

You don’t need an “I Voted” sticker that bad and you can just lie to Facebook if you want a virtual button.

Jesco White for Senator from West Virginia

Now that Robert Byrd has gone to that great Klan meeting in the sky, West Virginia needs a new senator. I nominate Jesco White, of the “Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.” Because if funneling billions of federal money to build bridges and buildings with your name on it is enough to make up for a past that included the Klan and voting against civil rights laws, then certainly being funny and having a documentary made about you is enough to make up for murder and drug dealing!

Nanny-State Jackass of the Week: Felix Ortiz

The Brooklyn Democrat Felix Ortiz, a state assemblyman in New York, “has introduced a bill that would ban the use of salt in New York restaurants – and violators would be smacked with a $1,000 fine for every salty dish.”

Of course, he’s portraying this as a way to save lives. What kills me is that anyone is even taking this joker seriously enough to debate him on the harm to the restaurant industry or the quality of food. I’m going to guess that Felix Ortiz is a man-child who’s never cooked a single meal in his life. Perhaps his mama still cooks his meals. And he’s obviously never worked in a restaurant. Probably doesn’t know a thing about food preservation.

Hey, Felix? Don’t like salt? Don’t eat it. And if your constituents have health issues supposedly related to salt, tell them to stay there asses home and eat fresh vegetables and fruits. The rest of us, we who actually have some element of personal responsibility and self-control remaining, kindly request you leave us alone.

Barack Obama = Grand Theft Auto

Did you keep your kids home from school yesterday as a protest against Barack Obama’s speech? Good going. You could have let your kid go to school where he or she would have found out that the Super Coolest President of the U.S. Ever is about as stimulating as day-old decaf. You could have exposed your kid to the reality of a grown-up in a suit blathering on about staying in school and being good and trying to be cool by mentioning Facebook.*

But no, you just made the president as cool as an M-Rated video game. You really showed him!

*(Of course, you could also have sent your kid to school, telling Little Johnny that though you disagree with the president, he IS the president and, in a Democracy, we give even our opponents a chance to make the case. But that’s just deranged commie talk on my part.)