Awww. So cute.
Author: kenwheaton
My Boy, Elroy
It never occurred to me that swimming with a sea lion would put a smile on my face. Until it did.
Sure, sea lions are cute when you seem them in movies and doing tricks and such. On the other hand, I find them a little creepy when, watching a documentary, there are 200 of them piled up on the rocks just off the coast. Also, they’ve got big, black teeth. And they’re loud. And, while I know that sea lions aren’t the same thing as seals, my one close-up interaction with a seal wasn’t exactly a movie moment — unless the movie was a bad horror film.
Continue reading “My Boy, Elroy”
For the Price of One Drink …
If you know me, you know I like to have a drink every now and then — now being the evening and then being that night. I also give up drinking from time to time. And what strikes me the most isn’t that I feel any better — I mean I’m not a drunk who spends my days curled up on the couch swearing I’ll never drink again while checking the clock to see if it’s late enough in the day to have a drink without anyone judging me.
What strikes me most is the amount of money saved. Granted, I live in New York and even at my age I frequent bars, so the tab is a little higher than the average bears. But it’s probably lower than many other big-city folk as I’m a fan of lower end bars and straightforward drinks. You usually won’t find me in a “lounge” sipping fancy-pants cocktails. A fancy-pants cocktail, if you’re wondering, is anything that has more than the two following ingredients: whiskey, ice.
Hell, even if you’re just a few beers after work drinker, it starts to add up pretty quick.
Continue reading “For the Price of One Drink …”
Happy Gradumation Season to the Chillrens
Remember, kids, to CHECK YOUR WORK!
Via BoingBoing
What the Hell Happened?
One day you’re the youngest person in the office. You’re a wunderkind or something. You’re wet behind the ears, got a lot to learn, but are moving right on up. You’ve got a few ideas about changing things.
Then the next you’re complaining about these damn kids just coming out of college with the attitudes acting like they’re gonna take over the world even though they don’t know shit. Damn kids. Talking all the time.
Get off my lawn.
(Also: PLEASE DONATE)
Are You With Us or Are You With Cancer?
DONATE NOW!
That’s right. I need your help in taking Leukemia and Lymphoma out behind the woodshed and beating them right out of existence. With your help last year, I crushed the fund-raising minimum. You not only helped me, you helped others on our team.
And, of course, you helped TNT. Which is the important thing. But this is more than just running around in purple shirts. LLS raises a ton of money and that money has actually helped make big, provable strides in the fight against blood cancer.
Consider this one stat: A kid diagnosed with blood cancer in the 1960s had a 4% chance of survival. A kid today has a 90% chance.
But before we go patting ourselves on the back, I’ll tell you what the coordinator told us. As amazing as that is, imagine putting 10 parents in a room and telling one set of them that their child is going to die.
I Know What You Did: My Facebook Business Plan
I’ve stumbled upon a foolproof way to make money on Facebook.
You know how you’re cruising through your Facebook feed and there are a handful of folks going on about “kids these days,” and the “lack of respect,” and the laziness and the drugs. Or they’re spouting Bible quotes and friending Jesus as if they’re some sort of digital-realm street-corner preacher?
You know how more often than not, those people weren’t exactly angels back in the day? In fact, they were the exact opposite? Your high-school pot dealer is now a cop? The girl who had morals as loose as a meth addict’s teeth is now going on about the sanctity of marriage and the length of skirts?
Oh, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And hey, people change. I get it. But times are tough. A guy’s gotta make money. So here’s my extortion business plan.
Step 1. Find all such friends on Facebook.
Step 2. Figure out which ones have teenage children.
Step 3. Friend those teenage children on Facebook.
Now you have two choices. You could offer to sell information to those teenagers — information about what their parents did in high school or college. Maybe even photos. Or video. This was my original plan. But then it occurred to me: That’s not where the big money is. Teenagers don’t have a lot of cash. And what cash they do have is usually from their parents in the first place.
No, the action is with the parents. You go to them and say, “Hey, friend! Long time no talk! Love your status updates! Did you know I was friends with your kids on Facebook? Did you know I have a photo of you from that time you thought you were on Girls Gone Wild but it turns out it was just some redneck with a video camera at Flora-Bama? Would be awful if that were to fall into your kids hands? P.S. Here’s a link to my Paypal account.”
And since I’m not friends with everyone on Facebook, you can start your own franchise. We’ll all be rich!
Granted, there are some flaws with this plan. The first is that there may be some evidence out there that can be used against you. Maybe you were the one who got a DWI for driving a tractor into the Walmart. Or you were the one who had an inappropriate relationship with the math teacher. Then again, if you’re like me, you’ve always been a moral reprobate and never bothered to hide it from your children.
The second is — and I’m no lawyer — this could possibly be illegal. So fair warning and all.
Burn Them With Fire
I’m not one to advocate violence and/or sorcery, but this would be a good week to round up New York-area meteorologists and chuck them into the nearest volcano.
That’s Some Shit
Literally, that’s what it was. Shit. Of the human kind. Lots of it just sitting there on the subway platform this morning. Bergen Street stop on the 2/3 line. Manhattan bound. I almost took a picture of it, you know, just to share with everyone, but I wondered if that would be crossing some line, a new low for civilization. It’s bad enough we photograph and post all of our damn meals these days. Now I’m gonna post a picture of the end result? And it wasn’t even mine?
Besides, my train was coming.
I have to wonder about the hobo that left that package, though. Because there was just so much of it. Were there vital parts of him in there? And where did he go? Onto a Manhattan bound train? That’ll ruin your commute!
I did take some small delight though in thinking of some douche boarding or getting off the train, playing with his damn phone instead of paying attention to where he is going, getting his just reward.
Time to Join Team in Training, Kids. No Excuses.
It’s that time of year! Once again, the purple-shirted cult members of Team in Training are fanning out across the country and across Facebook and Twitter to recruit new members. And this is the year you will join. You will go to an introductory meeting and be inspired (and maybe cry) by the mission of Team in Training and you will get a purple shirt and you will sign up for a race.
A bunch of us at work sign up every year, and every year we try to get more people to run. This year, the coordinator asked me to write an email to be sent out to all of our coworkers in order to cajole and/or guilt them into running. I thought I’d share a modified version with you all.
So. Here are 10 reasons to join Team in Training.
Continue reading “Time to Join Team in Training, Kids. No Excuses.”
KEN WHEATON 