Novelist. Editor. Journalist. Business Writer.
I used to wake up hungover, horrified that I’d made an ass out of myself in front of some girl and ashamed I drove home drunk.
Now I wake up terrified and convinced that I got home at 2 in the morning and went on a Twitter rampage and have no recollection of it.
(I actually woke up this morning at 6:30 and went to the computer to check. Thankfully, nothing. This time. But if you’re interested in the potential of such a meltdown, follow me at @kenwheaton)
Not that I ever was a believer in “intelligent design,” but an article in the Feb. 14 issue of Science News should convince anyone that there’s a whole lot that isn’t grand, majestic and perfect about nature. For a quick reference have a look at them there spiky knobs pictured up above (courtesy of Science News). That there’s what passes for a penis on two different types of seed beetle. Yeeeowch! (The cross section is the equipment on the lady bug.) If anything, the evidence seems to be piling up for something I’d like to call “drunken design.”
The article is called A Most Private Evolution: Dumb designs for sex: Evolutionary biology walks on the weird side. And it’s worth checking out for the photos alone–including one of a male duck’s cork-screw penis and a female duck’s cork-screw vagina, which just happens to cork-screw int he opposite direction. Again. Yeeeeowch! In an article fitting for Valentine’s Day (note the issue date), we are given a look at what amounts to an evolutionary genitalia arm’s race that for some reason hampers the species’ ability to procreate like bunnies.
Discussions of evolution often glorify the beautifully apt forms: orchids with nectar recesses just the right length for the tonguelike structure of a certain moth, or harmless butterflies with the same wing colors as a poisonous neighbor. Yet the most dramatic examples of the power of evolutionary theory may come from the strange and ugly stuff — biology that seems too dumb to have been designed.
So walking to work this morning, I noticed a small crew shooting a scene out on Third Ave. between 43rd and 44th. It seemed to be a fight scene between a white business dude and a black guy on a bike (possibly a messenger). How tempted was I to go stomping around just out of view going, “Ah ta-da da da like this in the background.”
…this:
Not a clear picture, but it’d probably look even worse with a clear shot.
1. One word says it all: “Stalking.”
2. Send an extremely expensive bouquet, sign it “Secret Admirer” then ask repeatedly, “So, you get anything special today?”
3. Nothing proves the depth of your feelings like 1,500 word blog post declaring your love.
4. Girl of your dreams taken? Be sure to upstage her boyfriend’s gift. She’ll like the gesture; he’ll appreciate the lesson.
5. Chicks are powerless against real-life reenactments of the Say Anything boombox-in-the-rain scene.
6. Chocolate’s OK. But nothing changes a girl’s mind like a chocolate labrador puppy.
7. Write a poem using these words: infinity, destiny, boundless, abyss, eternity, consummation. Remember: Women are completely turned off by rhyming and humor.
8. Nothing says “I love you” like an intervention. (Because it’s obviously booze/drugs preventing her from seeing all that you have to offer.)
9. Not sure if she likes you? A diamond ring and surprise proposal works every time!
10. NEVER, EVER take my advice!
When you’ve been married as long as I have been (nine months), you’ve accumulated a lot of wisdom about love and junk, which puts you in a position to give advice. But instead of giving you more advice–there was enough of that yesterday–I thought I’d lead by example.
For Valentine’s Day I gave my wife a cookbook and a Chewbacca card. Now, it wasn’t just any Chewbacca card. This one featured TWO Chewbacca’s and made the Chewbacca sounds. “GRRNNNNLLLLNNNNHHHHNNNNN” (that’s a fifteen-syllable ‘grnlnh’ with emphasis on the eighth syllable) is Wookie for “I love you” and, also, “I need to poo”–which, come to think of it, is something you say only to people you love. So Wookie’s a pretty efficient language.
Continue reading “A Little Wookie for Valentine’s Day”
I’ve been dropping these words of wisdom on Twitter all day, so figured I’d share them in one place.
1. Since women say they value open communication above all else, Feb. 14 is a great day to air all your grievances!
2. When you’re old lady says, “Really. I don’t want anything.” You should totally believe her.
3. VD should be your day, too. Insist that she does something for you–like let you watch the game in peace!
4. If you must agree to dinner and a chick-flick, repeatedly mutter “this is bullshit” under your breath to remind her who’s boss.
5. Use last year’s card; call it recycling. Tell her it’s for the environment. If she complains, tell her she hates the earth.
6. Write her a poem using only the words found in Christian Bale’s recent meltdown.
7. A great gift: YOU go shopping for all the ingredients so she can make your favorite meal.
8. Guys, it’s cool to be overcome with emotion after getting that Snoopy card. If you cry, she’ll think you’re that much hotter.
9. Two words: “Stimulus package.”
10. Do NOT, under any circumstances, take my advice!
(Full disclosure: I’m writing this before my wife even forces me asks me to. I’m happily married and I’m spending all day with my wife tomorrow. Dinner, a play, etc. Then again, I spend all day EVERY Saturday with my wife. And every Sunday too. Except during football season. Because we like each other like that.)
“Keeping with many scientific studies but disappointing thousands of parents of children with autism, a panel of court-appointed experts Thursday denied compensation for three families who claimed thimerosal-containing vaccine combinations caused their children’s autism.” That’s according to this Newsday story.
As much as I hate to disappoint all those parents, it annoys me that this was being handled in the courts in the first place. This is a scientific public-health issue and not something to be decided by a few thousand broken-hearted families desperately looking for answers.
Earlier this week, it was discovered that a Lancet study looking into this was likely bogus. What I didn’t realize that this study looked at 12 children. TWELVE!?! Are you kidding me? How that was the basis for anything is almost as mysterious as why anyone would believe numbers from a Lancet study anyway.
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It’s Chaz Darwin’s birthday today. That highly-evolved homeboy is 200 years old — or he would be if he weren’t dead. For the last month, every science-related magazine has been celebrating with retrospectives. National Geographic had a decent package (I say that about all the mags!). And this also explains Google’s futzing with its logo today. Anyway, go get your learning on.
KEN WHEATON 