Well, here you go.
Go science!
Category: Uncategorized
Dear 60 Minutes, Please Hire Me
To Morley Safer and the Gang,
It’s come to my attention that national treasure Andy Rooney is retiring from your fine program. I understand that you’re all reeling from the shock and the pain, but I’d like to suggest a replacement — me — that could move right in to the slot with as little disruption as possible. After all, with a cast as old as yours sudden movements and drastic changes could lead to one or more of you going all Grandpa Simpson during a show and no one wants that.
Continue reading “Dear 60 Minutes, Please Hire Me”
2:02:02
This past Saturday I ran the Hamptons Half Marathon for the second year in a row with TNT. This year I raised more money, which was sweet. But this year I ran the damn thing 12 minutes slower than last year, which was not sweet.
Going into the weekend, the forecast according to Accuweather went like this: Shitty with an increasing chance of shitty at the start of race. It wasn’t just that it was going to rain, it was that it was going to be warm for a race — 70 degrees or so — and likely humid.
Well, we lucked out on the rain.
Continue reading “2:02:02”
The Art of Flossing on the Train
This morning while reading on the train,
reading “The Art of Racing in the Rain,”
I saw a woman flossing on the train,
she knew The Art of Flossing on the train.
Shrimp Po-Boy: You’re Doing It Wrong
Three months in New York, and Cara’s been jonesing for a shrimp poboy. It’s not something I’ve ever attempted to make — not a big fan of frying in small New York apartments — and I warned her repeatedly that to seek out such a thing in New York will lead only to disappointment and anger, a frustration borne out of the human ability to get something so easy so wrong.
But a craving is a craving.
Continue reading “Shrimp Po-Boy: You’re Doing It Wrong”
The Most Awesomely Dickish Football Strategy Ever?
How to score 29 points before the other team even gets possession? By following your opening touchdown with three successful onside kicks! Let’s go to the highlight reel!
You can practically hear Les Miles chewing grass as he watches this one.
Oh No Katydidn’t!
On the 4 Train from Brooklyn, this morning, while reading the epilogue of A Dance With Dragons (holy shit, what am I going to do for the next five years), I felt something on my arm. I look glance over and there, sitting on my elbow, is a giant-as katydid. On my arm! While I’m riding the subway! In New York! I flinched. I’ll admit that much. And some guy standing over by the door smirked at me. But I recovered quickly and reached for my phone to take a picture. But by the time my HTC EVO 3D’s camera came online, katydid done took off in flight. She flew right for the head of Sir Smirk-a-lot, who practically threw himself on the floor to avoid the bug–and he, in turn, received a big-ass smirk from the woman standing across from him.
Anyway: Subway adventures.
Abba vs. Hannibal Lecter
Or put less delicately, “Dancing Queen” vs. “If I Could Smell Your Cunt.”
Two weekends, two musicals. One was Mamma Mia, the Broadway musical based on the songs of Abba. The other was Silence!, the off-broadway musical based on the movie Silence of the Lambs.
One, everyone’s heard of and many may have even mocked for the ten tons of cheese it serves up. The other, most people haven’t heard of so they can’t grouse about the ten tons of filth–FILTH–it serves up.
I enjoyed both. If you know me, I don’t think I have to tell you that I preferred the play that featured face eating, simulated ejaculate throwing, a song-and-dance number set to “Will You Fuck Me? I’d Fuck Me” (I’m not going to spoil anything about how the penis tuck is pulled off), and a side character that was basically the rebirth of Johnny (aka Controller Jacobs) from Airplane.
That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy Mamma Mia. Love me some Abba. They’re no Milli Vanilli, but still . . . And at least the folks in the play, unlike the ones in the movie, could sing. (Though there was something charming about watching those A-list actors in the movie make such asses of themselves). I do have one complaint, though, in that while the women were attractive, they weren’t dressed sexily enough and even when they wore something mildly revealing they had unsightly ass-bulges where the microphone packs were. The men, on the other hand … well, I don’t appreciate spending that kind of money on a show that, when the young groom rips off his shirt and reveals his disgustingly chiseled body, has the entire female half audience catch its breath for a moment — and perhaps involuntarily squeeze the hand of the man they’re there with — then burst into applause. Unseemly.
New York Cable/Internet Question
I want to split with Time Warner.
Actually, I want to hook up with DirecTV because football season is coming up and I want my grubby hands on the NFL package, which DirecTV is now offering for free — or “free.”
But I’ll still need internet and, because my apartment is the cellphone zone of death, a landline.
So then! I check out Verizon, which has a DirecTV, phone, internet bundle. But here are my three huge issues.
1. The internet. Verizon’s idea of high speed is 0.5 to 1 Mbps. TimeWarner claims, I think, up to 10. Now, it may be I won’t be able to tell the difference, but that seems a big difference.
2. The DirecTV package, as offered online, offers no local channels. NO LOCAL CHANNELS! At least make it an option. Or is that where they fuck you? I bet it is.
3. Speaking of no local channels. Giving up Time Warner will mean giving up New York 1. This pains me to consider.
Any thoughts from people living in New York City area? Also, if you’ve dealt with either or both companies, would it be better to order this sort of thing through DirecTV or through Verizon? Which has the better customer service reps?
Video of Hero Chihuahua
If you’ve seen the headline but have been too lazy to click through and read the actual story about the chihuahua that foiled a robbery, here is the video.
KEN WHEATON 