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Woody the Pencilman! Have you heard of him. A teacher friend of mine called me in hysterics after stumbling upon this teaching tool in a catalog. Yes, she’s as dirty-minded as the rest of you. Sadly, the material on the web isn’t nearly as funny as the stuff she read to me–material which included talks about taking Woody home, using him in a circle and the teaching of oral skills–but it gives you a taste. A taste of wood. I’ve bolded the parts that had the entire staff of one school in stitches.

Catch that flying pencilman! Woody the Pencilman was developed as a way to put fun into writing. Woody is a plush toy waiting to be described and animated. Students often need inspiration and motivation to think of creative writing ideas. Toss Woody to a classmate and ask him to name a verb or adjective that describes how Woody looks and moves. Eighteen writing activity cards come with the Woody Writes Set and each card has a different type of writing assignment on it for kids to ponder and create. Woody Writes makes writing fun to teach and model. Use Woody Writes whenever you have an extra 5 minutes to fill, or as a base for daily writing. Show students that generating writing ideas can be hands-on and fun!

If you’ve got a handful of mid-30s degenerates giggling like school girls over Woody, imagine what would happen if you brought him into a classroom of 13-year-old boys. Full-on riot, I’d imagine.

I used to wake up hungover, horrified that I’d made an ass out of myself in front of some girl and ashamed I drove home drunk.

Now I wake up terrified and convinced that I got home at 2 in the morning and went on a Twitter rampage and have no recollection of it.

(I actually woke up this morning at 6:30 and went to the computer to check. Thankfully, nothing. This time. But if you’re interested in the potential of such a meltdown, follow me at @kenwheaton)

So walking to work this morning, I noticed a small crew shooting a scene out on Third Ave. between 43rd and 44th. It seemed to be a fight scene between a white business dude and a black guy on a bike (possibly a messenger). How tempted was I to go stomping around just out of view going, “Ah ta-da da da like this in the background.”

…this:

Not a clear picture, but it’d probably look even worse with a clear shot.

I’ve been dropping these words of wisdom on Twitter all day, so figured I’d share them in one place.

1. Since women say they value open communication above all else, Feb. 14 is a great day to air all your grievances!

2. When you’re old lady says, “Really. I don’t want anything.” You should totally believe her.

3. VD should be your day, too. Insist that she does something for you–like let you watch the game in peace!

4. If you must agree to dinner and a chick-flick, repeatedly mutter “this is bullshit” under your breath to remind her who’s boss.

5. Use last year’s card; call it recycling. Tell her it’s for the environment. If she complains, tell her she hates the earth.

6. Write her a poem using only the words found in Christian Bale’s recent meltdown.

7. A great gift: YOU go shopping for all the ingredients so she can make your favorite meal.

8. Guys, it’s cool to be overcome with emotion after getting that Snoopy card. If you cry, she’ll think you’re that much hotter.

9. Two words: “Stimulus package.”

10. Do NOT, under any circumstances, take my advice!

(Full disclosure: I’m writing this before my wife even forces me asks me to. I’m happily married and I’m spending all day with my wife tomorrow. Dinner, a play, etc. Then again, I spend all day EVERY Saturday with my wife. And every Sunday too. Except during football season. Because we like each other like that.)

“Keeping with many scientific studies but disappointing thousands of parents of children with autism, a panel of court-appointed experts Thursday denied compensation for three families who claimed thimerosal-containing vaccine combinations caused their children’s autism.” That’s according to this Newsday story.

As much as I hate to disappoint all those parents, it annoys me that this was being handled in the courts in the first place. This is a scientific public-health issue and not something to be decided by a few thousand broken-hearted families desperately looking for answers.

Earlier this week, it was discovered that a Lancet study looking into this was likely bogus. What I didn’t realize that this study looked at 12 children. TWELVE!?! Are you kidding me? How that was the basis for anything is almost as mysterious as why anyone would believe numbers from a Lancet study anyway.

New to the interwebs? Missing out on YouTube pop-culture references? Don’t know your NumaNuma from your Starwars Kid? Have never seen the Leprechaun of Mobile, Alabama (video below)? Then check out You Should Have Seen This, 99 things on the interwebs you, well, should have seen.

It’s Chaz Darwin’s birthday today. That highly-evolved homeboy is 200 years old — or he would be if he weren’t dead. For the last month, every science-related magazine has been celebrating with retrospectives. National Geographic had a decent package (I say that about all the mags!). And this also explains Google’s futzing with its logo today. Anyway, go get your learning on.

Well, that’s done with. I’ll say this much: There are things that the mind isn’t meant to protest. One is the sight of one flimsy layer of skin separating your nose cartilage from the air. Yeesh. Didn’t need to see that. I’d seen a photo, but the photo made it look like a scrape. The reflection in the mirror looked like–well probably what we imaging Michael Jackson’s nose to look like.

But the plastics people at MSKCC — which all seem to have gone to the HOT DOCTORS MEDICAL SCHOOL — stitched it all up without even using a skin graft. So no dick- nose jokes for the rest of you. Ha.