Author: kenwheaton

Not-So-Sneaky Sneakers

Posted on by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

Today I strapped on my pair of Nike ACG hiking boot-shoe whatevers. I think last time I wore these was in Hawaii. These babies have walked the floor of Kilauea Iki Crater. These babies were there for the tsunami that never was. These babies are LOUD.

They creak and squeak. I thought maybe it was just the nubbins on the bottom of the shoe, protesting about walking indoors or on concrete. But no. I was just sitting here, flexing my foot and they still make noises that can be heard from across the way. I’d say maybe they need to be broken in, but I did a shit-ton of walking when I was in Hawaii.

Oh well, guess I won’t be sneaking up on anyone in the office today.

A Scary Halloween Story

Posted on by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

So this year I’m actually going to bother with a costume that isn’t the “Barrel of Monkeys” I’ve been rocking for the past two years. I’m not going to tell you what it is. But I will tell you to pull it off, I need to go to Salvation Army or Goodwill.

But can I do that? Can I actually bring myself, in this climate, to go to a thrift store and buy used clothes.

Because you know who else shops at those stores? BEDBUGS! Bedbugs shop at those stores. Granted, getting part of the costume from Ricky’s was probably just as risky as shopping Salvation Army and Goodwill, but the latter two just seem skeevier.

The Turducken of the Cake & Pie World

Posted on by kenwheaton in Food

For years, a bitter debate has raged in this country of ours over what is better, cake or pie. Now, I’m not going to use this space today to point out what sad, sorry, deluded fools the pro-pie camp is. Pie is nice. Sure. But anyone with the sense God gave a goat knows that cake is far superior, surpassed only by the holy of holies–ice-cream cake. Besides, we all know that pie is simply an attempt by the health fanatics and the industrial fruit lobby to get us to eat more fruit. (Which is why the pie I eat most often is Boston Cream Pie–which is not sullied by whole foods of any sort.)

I’m not here to argue about these things today. I’m here to alert you to a compromise — of sorts. It’s called a “Pumpple cake.” Created by The Flying Monkey bakery in Philadelphia, it is a hybrid of pumpkin pie, apple pie and cake. (Judging by the name of the bakery, these people are geniuses.)

Now, I’m no fan of apple pie — it’s got those slug-like chunks of slithery apple slices in there — and this isn’t as glorious an invention as pumpkin-pie cheesecake, but this creation should be heralded as an attempt to bring two factions together. As Today says, it’s the “dessert equivalent” of a turducken.

It should also be heralded for cramming 1,800 calories in one slice.

Best Thing I Read Today

Posted on by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

Have you seen the site Lazy Self-Indulgent Book Reviews? No? Go check it out. At any rate, while writing about Harlan Ellison’s “Dangerous Vision,” the reviewer uncorks this one.

I had been extremely close to my father, a homemaker, for most of my childhood, but our edges had done serious damage to our relationship through my teenage years. Personally, I think we as a species are too dismissive of the breach of common decency that marks adolescence. It serves a very serious purpose, in that we are supposed to look at each other upon reaching sexual maturity, and say, “my God, I must leave your home and build my own life, farewell.” Regrettably, the strange indoor-cat-like domestication of humans between 12 and 18 means that we must continue to live and friction with our parents for an interminable amount of time. Deeply unnatural, seemingly unavoidable.

Emphasis mine. Indoor-cat-like domestication of humans between 12 and 18. Yes! (Better yet, through the latest healthcare reform, we’ve classified people as old as 26 as children.)

Via The Awl.

I Welcome Our Robot Overlords

Posted on by kenwheaton in WTF?

To military hardware geeks and those who spend countless hours surfing the web, this video from Boston Dynamics is pretty old. But it came up in conversation this morning and I figured I’d let it haunt the dreams of those who haven’t seen it.

Sure, like most military tech, it could have plenty of peace-time applications that improve the quality of life for civilians. But don’t bet on it. Because that process usually takes years. And by that point, SkyNet will have become self-sufficient and this will be one of the foot soldiers it uses to herd us into flesh pens where we will be turned into batteries.

Let slip the robot dogs of war.

Up Next on Intervention: Ken Wheaton

Posted on by kenwheaton in Uncategorized

I blame my stepsister for this. She’s the one who started it. She’s the one who said, “Go ahead. Try it. It’s free.”

I’d resisted earlier attempts from others to try it. Besides, they were simply a bunch of addicted chuckleheads themselves, the sort of people who spend hours on Twitter talking about social media talking about marketing and engaging–obviously the sorts who had no personal lives worth mentioning, whose interior landscapes were empty voids waiting to be occupied by anything.

But my stepsister got me.
Continue reading “Up Next on Intervention: Ken Wheaton” →

There Are Two Types of Men in the World

Posted on by kenwheaton in WTF?

There are two types of men in the world:

1. Those who, while standing at a urinal doing their business, think it’s perfectly fine to pick their noses and then wipe the results on the wall in front of them.

2. The rest of us, who stand there confronted with the results of such people, thinking, “Seriously, dude? What the fuck?”

You Can Keep Yer Hippie Peanut Butter

Posted on by kenwheaton in Food, Uncategorized

No one’s ever going to confuse me with a hippie or a vegan or an organic-type person. I don’t shop at Whole Foods because it’s too expensive. I will never join the Park Slope food co-op because I did not go to college and grad school so that I could spend the time I’m not at my fulltime job bagging groceries, stocking shelves and hanging out with people so sanctimonious about their “religion” they make Sarah Palin seem like a heathen.
Continue reading “You Can Keep Yer Hippie Peanut Butter” →