Now that Robert Byrd has gone to that great Klan meeting in the sky, West Virginia needs a new senator. I nominate Jesco White, of the “Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.” Because if funneling billions of federal money to build bridges and buildings with your name on it is enough to make up for a past that included the Klan and voting against civil rights laws, then certainly being funny and having a documentary made about you is enough to make up for murder and drug dealing!
Category: WTF?
Touchdown Jesus Overruled
Apparently, the officials didn’t like what they saw on instant replay.
A six-story-tall statue of Jesus Christ with his arms raised along a highway was struck by lightning in a thunderstorm Monday night and burned to the ground, police said.
Overheard in Soho: Me
Monday night, I was out with part of the Twitter Clan having a few drinks. My phone rang. Caller ID pegged it as mom. I’d just talked to her on Sunday and I was out with people, so I ignored the call.
Tuesday night, I was out with a former coworker having a few drinks. My phone rang. Caller ID pegged it as mom. Now, I’d just talked to her on Sunday, but she’s not the type to call three days in a row unless something is wrong. So I picked up the phone.
Continue reading “Overheard in Soho: Me”
My Little Shooting Spree
Last night, I dreamed that I walked into a conference and shot nine people with a handgun. The details are slipping on me now but I vaguely remember classmates from high school and college as well as people from my current life–but not really the names or faces.
Continue reading “My Little Shooting Spree”
A Quick Medical Question
All things being equal, why would one arm pit sweat more than the other. And not just a little more, a lot more. Like, hypothetically speaking, if one were to wring out a t-shirt, nothing would come out of the left side, but the drippings from the right could probably fill up a bucket.
It’s arm-pit cancer, isn’t it? I just know it. Arm-pit cancer. Great. Now there’s a dignified death.
So, Yeah, THAT Happened
So, 2010. What a year, huh? My first novel gets published. The Saints win the Super Bowl. My wife moved out a month ago. They say two out of three ain’t bad. I’d like to find “they” and beat his head against a brick wall until my arms get tired.
WhaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!
Oh, yeah. That.
Now, listen kids, before I go any further, we both want you to know this didn’t happen because of you. And we don’t love you any less. It’s just sometimes, two people . . .
Well, to be honest, I don’t know what the hell happened except it happened. I wasn’t going to write it here because it seems sort of private and I can’t stand the thought of anyone writing blog comments offering condolences or asking questions or giving me phone numbers for meaningless late-night booty calls. (And, seriously, I ask that you don’t comment on this post. Or on Facebook. Or anywhere. Got something to say, e-mail me. You remember e-mail, right?)
As far as the privacy goes, it’s sort of disingenuous for a person who blogs, Tweets and Facebooks as much as I do to start making noises about privacy only when the shit hits the fan. And I have nothing to hide. There was no bad behavior by either party. And I certainly didn’t want to do any passive-aggressive half-drunken weep-blogging, with little dribs and drabs coming out here and there, the sort of thing used by some folks to get the other party to ask, “Is everything okay?”
Besides, once the paperwork starts happening it’s all a matter of actual public record anyway. (Not that THAT will happen anytime soon thanks to the ass-backwards divorce laws in New York.)
And booty calls? Save ’em. Unless you’re really into drunken, mediocre sexual encounters that will definitely end in one of us–if not both–crying.
So why now? Aside from the handy month mile-marker, you may have noticed I haven’t posted much in the last month. That’s partly due to laziness and depression, but also partly due to the fact that every time I logged on to WordPress, it was the elephant in the room. (See what I did there, AXA Financial? It’s an elephant, not an 800-pound gorilla that’s impossible to ignore. The 800-pound gorilla is WRONG.) Anyway, where was I. Oh, yeah. Elephant, a big ol’ writer’s block, dropping big ol’ elephant turds all over the place. Elephant turds of LIES!!! And also turds of self-delusion: If I didn’t write it, it wasn’t real. Yeah, that’s it.
Hell, I’d taken all sorts of notes in Hawaii—I was there for the tsuper tsunami from hell, after all—but the reason I didn’t share was I figured some of you meddling kids might start nosing around and start asking questions. “Hey, did you go to Hawaii alone? What’s a married guy doing in Hawaii alone?” Then again, no one said anything about the 100% wife-free photos, so you’re not exactly winning points for being observant.
But there it is. It happened. If you have questions, save ’em. I’m sure it’ll make for great writing one day, but for now I’m tired of talking about it.
And, for the record, I did go to Hawaii alone. I loved it. Traveling alone has its benefits. And it sure as hell beat moping my way over to The Brazen Head every night and pounding Jack Daniels until my liver started crying. Or I did.
Whatever the case, onward. See yall in the bars.
Paterson Shocker: His Aide Behaves Like a Kennedy
I might have to start believing David Paterson conspiracies that the media has a racist vendetta against him. After weeks of area media outlets drumming up a rumors of a New York Times story about massive scandals related to Patterson, the Times comes out with this. Paterson Aide’s Quick Rise Draws Scrutiny.
Really, NYTimes? REALLY?! The guy’s been arrested and has had some past disputes with women. Listen, I don’t doubt for a second that he’s probably a sleazy character. But considering the proven philandering, alcoholic behavior, DUIs, and manslaughter conducted by a certain other political family in this country, seems to me there’s a double-standard at play. Or Paterson did something to really piss off all these media people — you know, the same clowns who let the Enquirer beat them on a John Edwards story that obvious even to the blind. (See what I did there, Dawn Summers?)
If the Times wants to take down Paterson, perhaps it should go after his Aqueduct dealings.
The MTA Strikes Again
I have trouble figuring out a 20 percent tip on a $100 check, but I guarantee you I could do better budgeting than the morons over at the MTA. Once again, THEIR PROJECTIONS ARE COMPLETELY WRONG! (Sorry for the all caps, but that was me talking to my TV this morning.
The Metropolitan Transportation Authority’s revenue projections are suddenly running $200 million below what was expected, while the agency is coping with $143 million in cuts in state financing, agency officials said on Monday.
SUDDENLY? They’re SUDDENLY running below what was expected? How does that happen? Who’s the idiot making the projections? (Then again, considering that analysts at big-name firms predicted a 5% increase in retail sales this holiday season, perhaps the entire “analysis industry” is doing its part to hire special-needs workers.)
But the question remains? How does the MTA still exist? Bloomberg broke up the school boards with help from the state. They can’t take down a board made up of his rich friends? … Oh. I see.
He Sees You When You’re Sleeping
If you imagine “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” sung by twin girls in a horror-movie style, you’d probably end up with something like Sketchy Santa, THE web sensation of this holiday season. The guy below is from page six of the site, which, so far, is pound-for-pound the creepiest of the pages.
And You Thought Eating Squirrel Was Bad
We eat some weird things down in Louisiana. And it’s a state where dog fighting is still popular and there’s something called the Angola Prison Rodeo (which is totally awesome, by the way). But this is just crossing all sorts of lines, I think. According to BuzzFeed, the Chinese have discovered a way to deep fry a fish while keeping it alive. WHY?!?
KEN WHEATON 