Author: kenwheaton

According to this highly suspect figure in a Tribune piece, the average price of a home sold in Detroit last December was $7,500. That’s right $7,500, not $75,000.

Which got me to thinking. Why not just buy the whole damn city? Sure, I’d have to put up with the Grade A idiot class of politicians that wander the increasingly vacant streets of Detroit, but once I own the city, I’d could BE one of those Grade A idiots. (Okay, maybe I’d have to get indicted for something, first.)

I kid, I kid. I couldn’t afford the whole city. But here’s the thing. Assuming those prices were realistic and assuming the wife and I are planning to spend $500,000 or so on a 2-bedroom in Brooklyn (likely to be under 1,000 square feet), we could buy 66.6 houses in Detroit. And that’s not factoring in the ridiculous maintenance fees, property taxes and co-op board retards we’d have to deal with in Brooklyn. I’ve been looking for outdoor space. Hell, I could have 66 backyards. I could start my own company and, instead of renting or buying office space, I just move everyone there and give them a house! Or, assuming permission from my wife, I could go Mormon. Get me 65 more wives.

Ladies and gentleman, Welcome to Wheatonia. The official food is barbecue, the official drink bourbon. Enjoy it.

Two thugs killed an Ecuadorean immigrant and city officials were just on the news letting us all know that, god damn it, they’re not going to stand for hatred, for cowardice, for racism and homophobia. Oddly enough, they didn’t mention murder. As if beating a person to death with a bat were a lesser crime than hating the dude because they thought he was a gay Mexican. They’re facing second-degree murder charges and assault as a hate crime.

Indeed, just a few years ago writer-director-actress Adrienne Shelly was murdered in her apartment by an Ecuadorean immigrant, who apparently wasn’t guilty of harboring hatred in his heart.

But the end result is still the same. People were robbed of their lives. Families were robbed of someone they love. Should one murderer be punished any less because he didn’t shout out a few racial slurs before taking a life?

Twenty-five years for manslaughter for beating and choking a woman to death–and no outrage from the city council.

In the world of “hate crimes,” the answer to that question is yes.

Really.

Woody the Pencilman! Have you heard of him. A teacher friend of mine called me in hysterics after stumbling upon this teaching tool in a catalog. Yes, she’s as dirty-minded as the rest of you. Sadly, the material on the web isn’t nearly as funny as the stuff she read to me–material which included talks about taking Woody home, using him in a circle and the teaching of oral skills–but it gives you a taste. A taste of wood. I’ve bolded the parts that had the entire staff of one school in stitches.

Catch that flying pencilman! Woody the Pencilman was developed as a way to put fun into writing. Woody is a plush toy waiting to be described and animated. Students often need inspiration and motivation to think of creative writing ideas. Toss Woody to a classmate and ask him to name a verb or adjective that describes how Woody looks and moves. Eighteen writing activity cards come with the Woody Writes Set and each card has a different type of writing assignment on it for kids to ponder and create. Woody Writes makes writing fun to teach and model. Use Woody Writes whenever you have an extra 5 minutes to fill, or as a base for daily writing. Show students that generating writing ideas can be hands-on and fun!

If you’ve got a handful of mid-30s degenerates giggling like school girls over Woody, imagine what would happen if you brought him into a classroom of 13-year-old boys. Full-on riot, I’d imagine.